Written by Warren Redlich
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Topics: Death, bureaucracy

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

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Bureaucrat Snively Wusbag

Snively Wusbag passed away Monday. Wusbag, a career bureaucrat, died in his New York City home at the age of 73. He was remembered for his long career obstructing regular people from getting things done.

Born during the Great Depression to a family of bureaucrats, Wusbag saw much suffering in his youth and spent the rest of his life finding ways to make sure others understood.

His first stint in bureaucracy was in the Bursar's Office at New York University. He made a name for himself by hindering students from completing payment of their tuition and setting them back a semester in their studies. In a celebrated moment, he refused to accept a $4000 payment because the account showed, incorrectly, that $4000.10 was due. The student did not have a dime to cover the difference. Colin Powell said the humiliating experience drove him to CUNY, and was critical in helping him develop the character he has today.

Wusbag next moved into government bureaucracy at the DMV. He was renowned for screwing up paperwork in ways that led to drivers being arrested for driving without a proper registration or with suspended licenses.

He closed out his career working at an appellate court. Young law clerks were amazed by Wusbag's ability to reject papers over such trivialities as font size and insufficient margins. Some of the most prominent legal malpractice cases in New York State had the Wusbag trademark on them.

Sadly for Wusbag, he found his match after death. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he was informed by St. Peter that he would have to wait an unspecified period of time while his application for entry to heaven would be reviewed. Several months later, St. Peter informed him that he failed to file the necessary paperwork when he died. Wusbag asked for a chance to correct this error, but the limitations period had passed. St. Peter gave him the bad news: "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to go to hell now."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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