President-elect Barack Obama and his team of economic advisers put forward a new proposal to bail out the ailing US economy. Since the original $700 billion bailout is not getting the job done, Obama proposes to up the bailout to "a Gajillion dollars."
A gajillion dollar bailout has never been tried before, but experts say Obama is on the right track. "He's gotta do something," affirmed prominent journalist Buckwheats Butt, "and this is a bold step." Economist Wadda Heldo-Ayno emphasized that the bailout package has to be substantial to make a difference. "A gajillion really does the job. It's so much money that regular people have trouble understanding how big of an impact it will really have."
Distribution of the money will be tightly controlled by the new Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner. At the press conference where the package was announced, Geithner explained the plan: "We'll put half the money into ailing banks like Citigroup. We'll put another third into the auto industry. Next up is another third for investment in job-creating environmental projects like windmills, geothermal, and solar. Then we'll use another quarter of the money to help consumers who are underwater in their mortgages. Before we're done we'll put 40% of the money into infrastructure like bridges. And last, but certainly not least, the remaining half of the money will go into security issues like protecting our borders, winning the war in Iraq, and that whole drug war thing."
Most of the journalists in the room had trouble keeping up, but a correspondent from TheSpoof.com did ask how the numbers could possibly add up. Geithner beamed as he answered, pointing to the value of a sound math education. "Economists like us learn to use imaginary numbers, and that's the great thing about a gajillion. It's not a real number so we can do whatever we want with it."
The Dow Jones Industrial Average went up 430 points after the press conference, to close the day down only 2100 points.