June 2004: Secretary of spirited Dee-fense, Donald Rumsfeld, was found yesterday afternoon in his office with his ***head up his ass.*** When confronted, he pulled it out, replying, "I was looking for some answers to throw to the Senate Intelligence Committee on Foreign Affairs about why we had all of those nasty photos coming out of the Abu Gharib prison in Iraq. Beats me! Couldn't have been anything I might have ordered or approved or to which I gave any signals of acquiescence! Moi? No way! Our lawyers say we're not bound by the Geneva Conventions because 9-11 'freaked us out.' Sounds good to me!"
The newsman, minutes before confronting Rumsfeld with his head up his ass, spied a lone figure smiling in the rear of the office which appeared to be Attorney General John Ashcroft. Confronted, Rumsfeld replied, "John was showing me how to get up there real high looking for good answers, cuz you know, John's had a lot more experience over the years with his head up his ass than I have!"
The reporter, quite startled by this revelation, asked the Defense Chief, "Mr. Rumsfeld, is there ***anyone else*** high up in the Administration similarly learned in such physical contortion?", to which Rumsfeld replied, "Oh course: Dick Cheney and George W., - now these guys are ***really*** good at putting ***their heads up their asses*** looking for the best answers to really tough questions put to them. I've even seen Cheney with ***his head up George W's ass,*** - now that's showing a truly extraordinary effort which should be commended!"
Shocked, the reporter continued on, "Mr. Secretary, while Cheney had his head up George W's ass, what was George W doing?", to which Rumsfeld replied, "Oh George W had his head up Pat Robertson's ass, - you know, the 700 Club and all that Baloney. Jerry Falwell was in the room, and Pat wanted to put his head up Falwell's ass, but Jerry wouldn't let him. That's when Powell arrived and put a stop to all of us assholes trying to figure out things for ourselves!"
"Oh my G.d!" muttered the reporter as he stumbled away in disgust, "These guys are incredibly hapless and running our country at the same time! Amazing! Cheney & Bush in 2004???"