(AP) An embarrassed John Ashcroft hid from reporters this morning after it was revealed that a prostitute has accused the US Attorney General of lewd acts. The scantily clad young woman was being held on prostitution charges in Falls Church. "He forced me to do terrible things---some nasty stuff that I've never even heard of before. That dirty old man just makes my skin crawl!" exclaimed the 19-year-old blond while limping into the police station, leaving a trail of blood on the steps.
Detective Andy Sipowicz, in charge of the investigation, said, "The first thing we have to do is determine if this woman is really a woman---if you catch my drift. My partner felt something a little stiff while patting down the suspect. The perpetrator, who calls herself 'Wendy' claims that she met Mr. Ashcroft in a Georgetown bar, and that he solicited her services for just $26. Once they got to a motel room, this 'woman' says that John Ashcroft brought in a big trunk that contained a large silk nightgown, several cans of 'ReddyWhip", sticky blankets, photographs of some dog he called Barney, some heavy chains, and a quart of Quaker State motor oil. This 'Wendy' broad is saying that John Ashcroft is a real sick pervert! I can't wait to get Ashcroft in the pokey---I'll make that sick bastard give it up in five minutes. He'll be begging for the yellow legal pad when I get done tuning him up!"
At the Department of Justice, Mr. Ashcroft's secretary said that the Attorney General was at a "prayer meeting" with
President Bush and Tom Ridge. Breaking into tears, the secretary said, "Mr. Ashcroft has been acting a little strange lately, but has always treated me just like a daughter. I did have to ask him to keep his hands to himself a few times, but he is usually very sweet and extremely generous with all the girls in the office---not just me."