Los Angeles, California- 62-year-old Blockhead Charles "Charlie" Brown finally cracked yesterday and shot Lucy Van Pelt, a 63-year-old spinster, after she once again pulled the football away just as Brown was ready to kick it. Then Brown apparently went on a killing spree before finally being chased down and tackled by his own dog.
Brown told police reporters that he had simply had had it with his neighborhood chums, especially around this time of year.
"Rats..everyone gets Christmas cards and Halloween candy and all I ever got was rocks in my trick or treat bag and spider webs in my mail box."
According to the full report, after shooting Lucy, Brown went after Violet Smith and another senior who always called him a blockhead. Next he took a couple of pot shots at one old guy in a pumpkin patch, another one dressed as a WWI Flying Ace with a big nose and took a sledge hammer to concert pianist Schroeder's piano because he couldn't get the childhood tunes out of his blockhead.
Brown's younger sister, Sally said that Brown had been depressed ever since she could remember, but she had never thought he would actually go completely bezerk.
"He did get his jaws slapped by some little redheaded lady yesterday at the Senior Citizens Luncheon", stated Sally. "But all he did was walk away all red-faced and saying, 'Rats'. He's always had this thing about rats."
Mr. Brown was told that he will be brought before a judge early next year.