WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Alan Greenspan said that the Federal Reserve will run out of money and the world will fall into financial despair when he dies.
Greenspan, who has survived many Presidential administrations as the voice of U.S. financial matters, also said that no one can replace him, so it is best the country and the world brace for a shock if he dies.
A spokesman from the White House said, "Mr. Greenspan has been an important element to the country, but we feel his timely or untimely death would not hurl the nation into a depression."
"Bull****," said Greenspan. "No one else on the planet knows when to increase interest rates or how to forecast financial trends. Just me."
The White House said a few men have been studying economics in the event Mr. Greenspan was "unable to perform his duties."
One of his projected replacements is Barry Goldenburg.
When Greenspan heard this, he said, "There is no way that creep could replace me.
"And it is time for all of you to bow and praise me and parade before me with honor and to lay gold and jewels and money at my feet."
The Greenspan rant jolted the Stock Market into a selling spree that was still going on as of this writing.