WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Justice Department has received over 500 requests for pardons and commutations from convicted felons hoping for clemency before President Bush leaves office.
The requests run the gamut from olympic sprinter Marion Jones, who was convicted for lying about steroid use to John Walker Lindh (aka 'American Taliban') who is serving 20 years in prison for providing material support to a terrorist organization.
When reporters asked President Bush who he was going to pardon he replied, "Well guys and gals, the first person who will be receiving an offical George W. Bush pardon is going to be John 'Big Mac' McCain.
I've known Johnny for a long time and I have never really understood who exactly he thought he was fooling with that silly comb-over of his. But anyway, Johnny will be getting the first 'President George W. Bush Official Pardon.'
And as for who else will be getting one of these P.P.'s (Presidential Pardons); they will go to people who are close friends of mine, members of my cabinet, a couple of my cousins, one of my neighbors back in Crawford (Texas), and three individuals who I owe lots of money too."
Bush then said, "I will also be granting a permanent pardon to Dicky (Cheney), Donnie (Rumsfeld), Scotter (Libby), and yours truly, Georgy (Bush). I do want to state for the recorded record, that a portion of my pardon will be for the horrific way that I mangled the English language in the eight years that I served as President.
I know that I am guilty of malapropisms and messed up syntax. I also know that there are those out there who referred to me as the undisputed king of gaffes. And to them I say, 'kiss my aspirin bottle.'
Even my wonderful wife, Mrs. Bush on several occasions mentioned that I had misplaced my modifier. Once up at a fundraising dinner in Duluth, Minnesota Laura leaned over to me and whispered in my ear that my participle was dangling.
Now I know that there are a lot of words out there that I don't know the meanings of such as innuendo, oxymoron, anachronism, and Massachusetts. But does that really make me a bad person. A recent poll showed that 36% of the responders said no. Why heck for the longest time I thought that a double entendre was a top-shelf drink.
Another thing that I want to mention is the persistent persistence on the part of the media for always trying to get me to say the wrong thing...or use the wrong verb tense, grammatical structure, or run-over (sic) sentence.
And getting back to the pardon business. I am sick and tired of hearing about all of this pardon talk. Goodness gracious you'd think that I was the pope.
So I am now going to answer once and for all, and please pardon the pun, all of the 'pardon' questions by saying this: If one more reporter, politician, sports figure, lobbyist, CEO, KKK member, Mormon, or Ellen DeGeneres family member asks me about a pardon, I swear that I will invade another country before I leave office. I mean it. And I don't care if it's Iran, Finland, Havana, or Mexico."
Bush added, "This old bow-legged, sway-back nag riding cowpoke ain't gonna be disrespected anymore. Hell it's bad enough that, that little old blonde munchkin Dixie Chick Natasha Reins, or Nanookie Stains or whatever the hell her name is called me an embarrasment to the entire solar system.
And let me say this, I've got news for that pint-sized Dixie chicken wing. When I get back down to Texas in January, the first thing that I am going to do is to see about having her property condemned. Yes sir, I am going to see to it that the state builds an expressway that passes right smack dab through that Dixie witch's house.
Old Nanette Mammaries thought it was funny when she sang, 'I'm not ready to make nice.' well when old Georgy here gets through with her, she'll be singing a different tune and those lyrics will be, 'I'm ready to make nice, please, please, please, Mr. President I am sorry, I apologize, and I am ready to make nice. And the only reason that I made those stupid remarks about you in the first place is because of the carbohydrate rush that I experienced on a daily basis as evidenced by my 87 pound weight gain.'
In related news, Wal-Mart in an effort to get rid of all of their Dixie Chicks' CD's is having a special promotion. It's a 'Buy a toothbrush and get two Dixie Chicks' CD's free' promotion.