(Washington, DC) - Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) flatly ruled herself out as secretary of state in a Barack Obama administration. The perpetually pants-suited legislator frankly admitted she is far too corrupt and dishonest to fill such an honorable diplomatic post.
"You know these striped-pants holier-than-thou tawdry foreign pissants would have a field day with a lot of stuff I claimed to have done that later turned out not to be true. That duck-and-cover fib I told about landing in Bosnia for one example."
The Empire State lawmaker from Chicago said the cost of all the new pantsuits she'd be required to purchase as America's top diplomat would put a crimp in her budget: "My husband Bill's on- and off-line sexual activities and encounters run into the millions a year. Serial sexual predators don't come cheap," the loyal wife of the impeached former chief executive declared.
Hillary's sex-addicted hubby was the only president required to give a DNA sample in a fallatio case involving a G-string-wearing young White House intern who later reported that Hillary's hubby was not particularly well endowed. During impeachment proceedings President Clinton was known as "William Jefferson Clinton" for extra stature. His favorite ex-mistress, Dolly Kyle Browning, still refers to him as "Billy."