HOLLYWOOD, California - The world's largest manufacturer of women's lingerie items, has just signed Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to an astounding 5-year, $50 million contract.
Mrs. Palin will appear in television commercials with the first one to air during the 2009 NFL Superbowl. The company's CEO Jean Claude Winslow said at a news conference, "We are very proud to welcome Sarah Palin into the family.
"For the past few years we have been looking for a mature, classy, middle-aged American woman in her 40's to represent the mature, classy, middle-aged fortyish American woman and we have finally found her.
"Sarah Palin is easily the most recognizable woman in the world. More people recognize her than recognize Madonna, Paris Hilton, Katie Couric, Sharon Osbourne, Beyonce, and even Tina Fey."
Winslow stated that Mrs Palin was chosen not only for her friendly down-home personality but also for the way she innocently says Alaskan colloquialisms, such as:
- "Ya know."
- "Honey, have you seen the keys to the snowmobile?"
- "Captain, can you lower the helicopter down a little bit more, that big ol' moose down there is still a tad bit out of my range." and
- "Toddy...babe right now it's still pretty much all hush-hush and in the early planning stages, but one day I do hope to lead my Alaskan troops in an invasion of Russia."
"Governor Palin is also smarter than a lot of people give her credit for," Winslow continued. "Okay, so she thought that Africa was a country instead of a continent, big deal. Country music singer Kelli Pickler appeared on the Jeff Foxworthy TV show, 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th-Grader?' and said that she had never heard of the country of Hungary. She also remarked to Foxworthy that she believed that Europe was a country."
Winslow went on, "Now as everyone knows, each one of our models are attractive-looking women. They are easy on the eyes, and I have to say that Mrs. Palin is no different. She possesses exactly all of the qualities and attributes that we in the modeling business are looking for. And just so there is no confusion I will mention those qualities and attributes.
"Sarah Palin has very pretty brown eyes. She has long gorgeous legs, lovely shaped succulent lips, a smooth milk-white complexion, a nice, round, shapely you-know-what, and two beautiful, firm you-know-whats. Yes, Sarah Palin is definitely worth every bit of the $50 million we are paying her."
Winslow then added, "And I would just like to say to the people of Juneau, Alaska, that we will be opening our newest state-of-the-art store in Juneau on Valentine's Day. And yes, the governor will be at the ribbon cutting ceremonies.
"She will be handing out coupons for $50 dollars off with a purchase of $100 or more. She will also be autographing copies of our new 2009 catalog for $2. And all of the money that we collect from the catalog signing will be donated to the Vanooka Yamchoopa Eskimo Benevolent Fund which will pay for every single pet reindeer in Alaska to get a flu shot.
One lucky woman will win a Sarah Palin Gift Box filled with lingerie items from the new Sarah Palin Alaskan-Themed Lingerie Collection that we are marketing as the 'La Saracuda' line. The gift box items have a retail value of $3,715.
The list of the boudoir lingerie items in the 'La Saracuda' Collection:
- The Wilderness Teddy
- Polar Bear Push-Up Bra
- Alaskan Queen Babydoll
- Tundra Thigh-Hi Stockings (Salmon-Colored)
- Musk Ox Short Shorts
- Crotchless Ice Box Thong Panties
- A See-Thru Seal Skin Swimsuit
- Glacier Garter Belt
- A Caribou Chemise
- Halibut High Heels
- An Ice Hockey Sports Bra
- Reindeer Penoit
- A Snow Sled Scarf
- Polar Princess Panties
- The Kodiak Blizzard Strapless Bra
- An Arctic Halter
- Salmon Sara Brand Blue Jeans
- Snow Plow Sarah Snow Boots
- Moose Lip Mittens
- Palin Pantiliners (in seven glow-in-the-dark flourescent colors)
In unrelated news, Sarah Palin is not related to Michael Palin of the Monty Phyton's Flying Circus.