After weeks of cancelled shows, Janet Jackson's Rock Witchu tour has been closed indefinitely by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, pending an investigation into an accident that occurred Wednesday.
Authorities in Dallas report that halfway through Ms. Jackson's raunchy bump-and-grind stage show, her spandex pants suddenly gave way, spilling her massive ass into the audience in the worst wardrobe malfunction in history. At least two dozen people were taken to the hospital, some with serious injuries, including one man who had to be freed from the monstrous butt-cheeks by the jaws-of-life.
According to one witness, "There was this big rip, followed by a whooshing sound and people screaming. Suddenly we saw this huge blob moving towards us from the stage. I was trying to get away when something massive hit me from behind and I passed out," he said from his hospital bed. Other witnesses told similar stories of the pandemonium that followed the ass-avalanche. "It was totally unexpected," said one stagehand who was safely positioned to the side of the primary path of destruction. "The first five rows had absolutely no time to react. It was horrible!"
OSHA officials are investigating claims that the compressive strength of Ms. Jackson's spandex was insufficient to contain the volume of ass-flab stuffed into them. "This was an accident waiting to happen," said one OSHA investigator who declined to be identified. "We saw something similar in 2003 when the back of J. Lo's dress partially gave way, injuring three. Fortunately, we were able to rapidly contain that spill before it really got ugly."
Ms. Jackson had no comment about the incident, but her ass did tell reporters that Janet is ready to become a mother. It did not address rumors that she may already be pregnant, but admitted that the vertigo that has plagued her tour since the beginning has subsided ever since Janet and boyfriend Jermaine Dupri "cut back on the kind of wild sex that kept banging her skull into the wall."