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Monday, 7 June 2004

image for Reagan's Spirit Ascends; Lays D.C to Waste
I want you....to die in pain!

In shocking news from the netherworld, former U.S. President Ronald Reagan, who died this past Saturday, has released his soul from its prison inside the old man's vegetative body. Reagan's soul, which had not been consciously aware of anything going on in the world since the beginning of Bill Clinton's term, was shocked and appalled at the level of partisan bickering that had characterized D.C. politics since 1994, the year when Republicans first came to control the House of Representatives under a Democratic Presidency. It was this same year that Reagan's wife Nancy announced to the world that the Gipper had Alzheimer's and that the former U.S. President was barely coherent. As Reagan's soul learned upon his death, the partisan bickering became uglier and uglier until Clinton was impeached for doing something that in Reagan's day, Presidents had considered to be simply a perk of the job.

But it wasn't until Reagan's soul saw how his own Vice President's cokehead partyboy son (whom Reagan had just assumed would have OD'd or choked to death on a snack food by now) had managed to parlay Reagan's own ‘regular guy' sort of appeal to soften the blow of his glaringly apparent ignorance in the mind's eye of the American public in order to get close to being elected, that Reagan's soul truly started to become angry. Noting how Bush Jr. had constantly played the ‘aw shucks' factor to fool nearly half the voting public into liking him better as if the Presidential election were no more important than voting for Prom King, but not quite fooling enough people to legitimately win the election was alarming, but seeing how Bush and his friends and relatives and Bush's father's friends and relatives acted to unabashedly commit wholesale election fraud was simply unacceptable to the patriot within Reagan. With each new revelation, Reagan's soul became madder…Bush's ignoring of a memo labeled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike within U.S." because he was on a month long vacation, and Bush's later comments that the memo wasn't "specific" enough to do anything about, and Bush's subsequent political gains due to his "we'll find ‘em and make ‘em pay" speech on 9/11 when Bush himself could have prevented the tragedy rather than grandstanding about it, really made the Gipper's blood boil.

By the end of Reagan's soul's education on the second Bush administration, he had a laundry list of evils performed by Junior, from his hand in the outing of a CIA agent, to his role in the "accidental" plane crashes which killed Mel Carnahan and Paul Wellstone resulting in benefit to his yes men John Ashcroft and Norm Coleman, to his rape of a woman who died mysteriously shortly after making the accusations which Bush's cronies kept well out of the mainstream press. Reagan's soul was incensed by all this, but mostly he was appalled by Dubya's full court press, without any sort of a mandate, to attack Iraq, regardless of support or consequence, and his use of any means of scare tactic propaganda (including bald faced lies about Iraq's nonexistent nuclear arsenal and invocation of the worst terrorist attack ever, which was clearly not connected to Iraq and which he could have personally prevented) necessary to win the support of the American people…a disinformation campaign unlike anything Reagan had seen outside the former Soviet Union in his first days as President.

Reagan's soul could sit idly by no longer once he knew not only how bad Bush could seem to anyone who actually read newspapers and did not rely on the TV stations owned by Bush's Republican backers, but exactly how bad Bush truly was to the perspective of a dead man who can see all. Reagan thought Fahrenheit 9/11 was damning enough, but when he was able to use his newly gained spirit powers to see the depths of evil at work in the neocon movement, he realized he had not even scratched the surface of Bush and co's evil. Rather than take his place beside Satan in hell (per the agreement they had inked in 1980 when Reagan was just a washed up former cowboy actor pushing 70 and no one seriously thought he could win the Presidency), Reagan deferred his selection as the #2 man in hell (a position which he won through his 8 years of doing Satan's bidding from the White House), in order to smite the D.C. neocons who had run the United States into the ground. Satan was more than happy to defer Reagan's appointment for a few days, as even he feels Bush and company have gone a bit too far for his tastes, and Satan himself was looking forward to seeing all these evil men in hell sooner rather than later, as he'd been looking for new anal rape victims, as his thorned, boiling hot, doubled John Holmes-lengthed member had become lonely in the past few decades.

Reagan's soul immediately went to work, first missing no opportunity to materialize in front of Dick Cheney whenever no one else was around, emitting a loud "BOO" in hopes of scaring the evil old codger into a final heart attack. He decided that pus filled boils was a proper punishment for the evildoers in the House of Representatives, while scabbies were more appropriate for dastardly Senators. So far he has brought down flooding, locusts and used car salesmen on most of DC's neocons, all three of which decended on Karl Rove, and he is currently saving the best for last, trying to find a way to help Saddam Hussein tunnel his way out of prison and into Bush's bedroom some night. Earlier today, it was reported that Reagan's soul looked U.S. Attorney General John Aschroft in the eye and said to him, "I have today authorized actions that will outlaw your ass forever," just before a huge pit of fire engulfed Ashcroft, sending him to be Satan's inaugural rape victim. Now that Reagan's soul has been on a killing and burning rampage for nearly 24 hours, D.C. is starting to look a lot like Bosnia. It is expected that every neocon in D.C. will be dead or in debilitating pain by next weekend, according to an anonymous paranormal source who is close to the former President's soul. When this paranormal source asked the former President's soul why he didn't just kill all the neocons rather than creating such a visible spectacle, the Gipper's soul replied with his trademark Reaganesque sense of humor, "I did it to impress Jodie Foster."

Representatives from the Reagan family had no comment, though it is reported that Nancy has told friends that it serves that smirking little prick right for outlawing the stem cell research, which could end the type of suffering her husband had been experiencing this past decade. A stunned America responded by taking up Vegas oddsmakers in a 3 to 2 bet that states that Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleeza Rice will be dispatched by colliding their cars head on. We can all hope.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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