KARACHI, Pakistan - A reporter for The Karachi Afternoon Clarion-Examiner-Herald, Dashka Mingora, has stated that he received an email from Osama Bin Laden stating that he wants to meet with President-elect Barack Obama as soon as possible.
Mingora said that Bin Laden wants to meet in a secluded neutral zone, prefably either Paris, France or International Falls, Minnesota. He revealed that he is sick and tired of running around all over that horribly rough Pakistani terrain with that damn heavy-as-hell video recorder on his shoulder.
Bin Laden has also grown weary of the fact that he cannot trust anyone. He said that even when he goes into the local Kentucky Fried Chicken he is so scared that someone will put poison in his order of chicken tenders. He said that it was not so bad when he was employing an 'official taster' but because of his recent budget restraits he has had to let his 'official taster' go.
Osama Bin Laden apparently wants to surrender to the FBI and turn state's evidence. He has expressed a desire to go into the FBI's witness protection program. Bin Laden stated that he is willing to turn his personal computer over to the FBI.
He said that it has about 150 gigabytes of information including all of the the names, addresses, and cell phone numbers of every member of the Taliban and every member of Al Qaeda plus dozens of Pakatani cuisine recipes.
Mingora said that there is a tremendous wealth of information in Bin Laden's computer including a step-by-step Jihad technique breakdown, the Sunni Islamist movement policy (complete with drawings and photographs), and the names and numbers of every one of the Cincinnati Bengals' players.
Bin Laden says that he is willing to shave his beard, and although he knows that he will not look like a WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) he said that he believes that he can at least look like a TASP (Tall and skinny Panamanian).
He will also donate his robe, his head gear, and his size 13 sandals to the Salvation Army clothes retrieving center of President-elect Obama's choosing. He did say that he would like to keep his underwear, his video recorder, and his collection of Beyonce CD's.
In related news, a cousin of Osama Bin Laden's, Billy Muhoomatma reportedly called Ellen DeGeneres and informed her that Mr. Bin Laden would be willing to lend the United States Government $700 billion at an unbelievably reasonable 2.3% interest rate.