Washington DC-- And so it came to pass that The One performed His first miracle on the first day of His Ascension. The Anointed One walked into the Mount Tabor Homeless Shelter on D Street. And He saw 5000 obese homeless people and He was humbled.
The Obama instructed one of His disciples to buy a fish sandwich at Burger Kingdom. And He wanted extra mayonnaise and no tomatoes. The One told the crowd He would feed them and and that they would be as lean as Himself.
And the crowd of 5000 rejoiced and wept many tears because they believed in Him and they liked Burger Kingdom french fries.
The disciple came back from the Burger Kingdom with a greasy bag of fast food. The One told the crowd He would feed them all and He reached into the bag again and again. And The One fed all the assembled 5000 with just the one take-out order from Burger Kingdom.
And the crowd of 5000 feasted on the offal and wept with joy. And they all were obese no more and lean like The One. And they threw their sandwich wrappers into the streets and the litter disappeared.
And they followed Him to the Potomac River as He prepared to walk across the waters into the Kingdom of Bush to smote the Evil One.