It appears the recent surge in gas prices have not only diminished people's checking accounts, but their personalities as well. People are increasingly becoming more selfish with their money, and in particular, their cars.
My best friend of 10 years asked if he could use my car to go to Ohio. "Not unless you return it with a full tank asshole," I replied sharply. Back in the day, when gas was barely over a dollar a gallon, I would have hardly cared if he came back with only a half-full tank of gas. If he did that now, I would sue him, and probably look into a way to have him arrested for grand theft auto. It's a shame that high gas prices have turned me into a shell of the person I was before.
My friend Tosha also had a recent quarrel with her best friend and roommate Stacy over the use of her car. As the argument escalated, Tosha punched Stacy in the mouth, because "that bitch didn't need the car."
"She was just going to use the car to see some random guy she met on the Internet," Tosha said. "I told her to just walk, and when she told me it was 50 miles, I told her that it was my car and I didn't give a shit how far it was."
After the fight, Stacy was going to go to the hospital for stitches, but upon calling the hospital, they also told her to walk because the ambulance wasn't running that day due to high gas prices.
According to psychology tests completed at Western Tumbleweed University in New Mexico, this type of behavior mirrors the often-times selfish behavioral patterns expressed in players of the game Monopoly.
"We are noticing the first stages of economic tension between lower and middle class subjects," said Dr. Ziggy Freud, the head behavioral psychology researcher at the university. "If gas prices continue to rise, eventually these subjects will begin murdering each other for food."
Dr. Freud was quick to point out that while he didn't know of any particular case where Monopoly players cannibalized each other, he said that if participants were playing with real money they would "most definitely slay each other."
Harvey "Bones" Smith, janitor at the famed Tumbleweed Psychology Facility, admits that gas prices have made him a little less friendly this past year.
"I didn't used to mind it much when students and co-workers asked for a ride home," Bones said. "But now I tell them that my wife is in the hospital and I need to leave right away."
Bones acknowledges that people probably don't believe his story, but says it keeps them from asking for a ride a second time.
According to a poll sponsored by Kibbles 'n Bits, 85 per cent of those polled said they would commit murder in exchange for a tank of gas. The other 15 per cent were either doctors or lawyers who made their money by stealing from the other 85 per cent.
Kibbles 'n Bits gave participants of the poll a coupon for $1 off their new product, Puppy Chow Vanilla Wafers.
Asked when this behavioral experiment would conclude, Dr. Freud said there was no end in sight.
"This experiment will go on until all middle class subjects closely resemble the poor, peon-like subjects."