Written by Sparky Fletcher
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Tuesday, 4 November 2008

O'FALLON, MI (Friggemall Wire Services) -- Libertarian Presidential candidate Bob Barr still believes he has a shot at becoming our nation's next leader when the polls close later today.

Despite exit polls not looking good for Barr, he believes the three votes he's garnered so far -- one from a drunken man in Tunica, Mississippi, a second from an elderly lady with Alzheimer's Disease in Rockville, Maryland, and a third from a quad amputee who mistakenly selected Barr's checkbox on a voting machine in Steven's Point, Wisconsin -- are just the beginnings of a landslide of impending votes.

Still, campaign manager Woodrow Gromfeld isn't extremely optimistic. "I am beginning to have doubts. Our initial exit polls have found that the #1 statement being made about Bob Barr has been 'Who the fuck was that Bob Barr guy on the ballot?' That doesn't sound promising, does it?"

Even more frustrating to Gromfeld is that the statement reflects the apparent failure of Gromfeld's "Just Who The Fuck Is Bob Barr?" campaign strategy. "We've tried to get the word out all year, and even on election day, people are still asking the question," sighed Gromfeld. "Now I know how Cubs fans feel. Maybe next year."

Despite the negative rumblings building at Barr's campaign headquarters, Barr continues to hold out hope that a van of cataract-addled seniors from Boise, Idaho and an apparent software glitch in the voting machines in Dayton, Ohio will give Barr an estimate 5,417 votes. "That's way more votes than the electoral college needs to make me the next president," a smiling Barr remarked while aides tried to give him his next scheduled dose of medication.

In related news, 54% of Barr's family voted for Obama, while the remaining 46% gave the nod to McCain.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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