Newly-elected President John McCain has tragically died of a heart attack just seconds after being informed of the result. His last words were "No f**king way!", before he fell to the ground clutching his chest.
President Sarah Palin prised the microphone out of his still-twitching hands and told the crowd, grinning, "I promise to serve you folks and rule you as ex-President McCain would have wanted. You know, I've been living in a white house my whole life. That's cos it's covered in snow."
The Republican party is said to be considering suing the American people for allowing such events to happen. One spokesman who refused to be named said, "This really is a disaster for us. We were hoping Obama would win so that Palin wouldn't embarrass us any more. Do you know what this means? We're going to be ruled by someone even more dumb than Bush! Oh, God help us!"