Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 3 November 2008

image for Dallas Cowboys Sign Troy Aikman
Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo's Well-Endowed Girlfriend (photo courtesy of Carrie Underwood)

IRVING, Texas - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has just signed ex-Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman to a one year contract.

Jones sat and disappointedly watched his 'America's Team' lose to the New York Giants 35-14 up in the Meadowlands.

The next day as Jones sat in his office at Texas Stadium he talked to a sports reporter for The Dallas Morning Mirror. "We definitely have us a quarterback problem right now what with Tony (Romo) out with a broken pinky finger. But the nine penalties and the four turnovers didn't help us either."

Jones went on, "Look I know that we are now 5-4 and a lot of people are saying that Dallas will not even make it to the playoffs much less the Superbowl. Well to those naysayers I say this, I promise that the Cowboys will not only make the playoffs but that my team will be the next Super Bowl Champs.

Now it isn't going to fall out of the sky for us. It will take some work, but I have a tremendously high IQ and I certainly didn't get to be a billionaire because of my good looks.

So I have come up with several ideas. Right after the start of the fourth quarter, I went up into the announcer's booth and I sat down with Troy Aikman and Joe Buck. I bought them each a Coke and a bag of popcorn and Troy and I had a good talk during the commericials. Troy is a hard-core, dyed-in-the-wool Cowboy and he is just as concerned about the Cowboys as I am.

So as we sat there, I decided to float an idea to him. I told him that I wanted to sign him to a contract through the rest of the 2008-2009 season. He looked at me in disbelief. But I know for a fact that Troy is still in excellent shape and I read that he throws 80 passes each day and 110 on Sundays."

Jones added, "Troy will turn 42 on November 21, so I told him that he's only two years older than quarterback Brad Johnson. And I was able to convince him to return to the Cowboys and start our next game against the Washington Redskins on November 16. He was especially thrilled when I told him that his old number (8) was still available."

Jones also remarked, that he had received some much appreciated feedback from another one of his ex-quarterbacks, Roger 'The Dodger' Staubach. Jones said, "Roger told me that one thing that he could never understand was the strict rule about the Dallas Cowboy players not being able to date the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Roger said that he really believed that if I did away with that rule and allowed players to date cheerleaders that it would really put a lot of the players in a much better frame of mind, not to mention a happy one."

Jones stated, "And so I called Kelli Finglass, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader director and I told her that effective November 3, any Cowboy players who want to can date any of the Cowboy cheerleaders, of course the only stipulation is that both be single and both be free of any STD's."

Jones also touched on the Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson relationship. "A lot of Cowboy fans do not like Jessica. Some even go as far as to refer to her as a 'jinx.' Well personally I don't believe that she's really a 'jinx,' in the true sense of the word.

Although it is kind of a strange coincidence that Jessica once wore a pink Tony Romo jersey and we lost that game. And now Tony Romo is out with a broken pinky finger. I know that it is far-fetched, but I have recieved about 3,000 phone calls on this Jessica 'jinx' matter, not to mention over 14,000 emails.

Now I do not like to get into the personal business of any of my players, but I did have a nice long talk with Tony. I told him that I want him to break up with Jessica. Now I stressed that the day after we win the Super Bowl he can call her up and get back together with her, but for now I want her out of the picture."

Tony smiled and said, "Well Mr. Jones, I guess I see your point. And you are the owner, and if you truly feel that it will help us win, then I'll give Jess a call and I'll break up with her."

Jones grinned and said, "That's the team spirit Tony. Just tell her that after the football season I will give the both of you a two-weeks, all-expenses paid vacation to Cleveland, Ohio...and that I'll also personally buy 5,000 copies of her next music CD."

In related news, The New York Times has just named the Dallas Cowboys 'The Best Professional Sports Team of The Century.' New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss did not like that one bit. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones laughed and said "Tell Steinbrenner and Buss that they can form a line and kiss my Dallas Cowboys 'Star.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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