DEADHORSE, Alaska - Election pundits, experts, advisers, and consultants are projecting that Sarah Palin will definitely help John McCain carry Alaska's Eskimo vote.
According to the experts, there had been some concern early on in the presidential campaign that most of the Eskimo vote would go for Barack Obama since the Eskimo people tend to identify with someone who looks a little bit like some of the figures on their Eskimo totem poles.
Nanook Valakiki a retired snowshoe salesman said, "I am close to 97 years old and I have never seen a female face figure on one of our tribal totem poles. I have never even seen a male face figure with glasses like the kind that Mrs. Palin wears.
Let me say that we Eskimo people are a very old and proud group of citizens who cherish our illustrious heritage, much like the Irish, the Iroquois, the Icelandics, and the Italians.
We do not like people coming onto our Eskimo land and shooting our game (i.e. elk, deer, caribou, moose, and parchesi). We hold these creatures to be sacred, and in fact each year on the first Tuesday of the second month of the year, which this year would be February, we celebrate what we have come to refer to as 'The Festive Festival of The Caribou Humping Celebration.' Eskimos from as far away as Switzerland and Chile attend each year.
And we pay tumultuous tribute to all of our four-legged big game animals and their food diets by electing the celebration queen known as 'The Miss Humped Caribou Princess & Caloric Queen.'"
When Valakiki was told that his governor, Sarah Palin took great pride in boasting that she shoots moose, caribou, and other animals sacred to the Eskimo people, he replied, "What???"
Valakiki then stated, "Okay, thank you for that piece of very interesting information. I will get on my computer and start emailing all of my Eskimo relatives, friends, and co-workers immediately and telling them that Sarah Palin goes around shooting our pets.
And let me say that to the Eskimo people, these four-legged creatures are looked upon as pets. Granted maybe we can't train them to fetch, speak, or to roll-over, like people do with poodles and cocker spaniels, but with a little patience and with the right big game treats we can train them to sit and beg.
Nanook Valakiki asked if Senator Barack Obama had ever shot a moose or a caribou. When he was told that he hadn't, he smiled and replied, "great, then I guarantee you that every registered Eskimo voter, and maybe even some of the ones who aren't registered will be voting for Senator Obama."
In other news, the Green Bay Packers have decided against moving to Hershey (Pennsylvania) for the obvious reason.