Haddonfield, Illinois, USA, Halloween night. - Following an upsurge in panic about the undead rising up in order to eat the living Professor Arnold Stovepipe of the Harvard Institute for Paranormal Research announced that there really wasn't anything to worry about.
Speaking in the decidedly seedy surroundings of Dino's Bar and Grill in downtown Haddonfield, a clearly very drunk, not to mention sexually frustrated Professor Stovepipe issued the following statement:
'The ever gullible public have recently been scared witless by a plethora of zombie related movies and TV shows, such as Dawn Of The Dead, Day Of The Dead, Sean Of The Dead,A Night Down The Pub With The Dead, 28 Days Later, Russell Brand Shags The Dead, and as we speak, Dead Set off Channel 4.
'This zombie inspired paranoia is completely unfounded. The dead do not rise up. It doesn't happen. They're dead. Their hearts have ceased to beat, thus rendering any form of muscular activity impossible due to a lack of cardiovascular activity.
'The whole premise is blatantly ridiculous.
'Furthermore, why would somebody who is clinically deceased harbour a frenzied desire to eat the living? It just doesn't add up.
'You know, sometimes I just have to neck the odd bottle of scotch and wonder what the heck we're doing to the world.'
One patron of Dino's Bar and Grill took exception to Professor Stovepipe's assertion. Jim-Bob Buggerlugs of Haddonfield stopped our reporters as they were leaving the bar and said: 'Don't you believe that. He works for the Government, the Prof does. It's his job to deny that zombies exist. But zombies do exist. Believe me. They stick probes up your ass and stuff. Or is that aliens?'
More as we get it.