Written by David David
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Thursday, 30 October 2008

image for Republicans Proclaim Nov 4th Dia de los Muertos Republicanos
Nov 4th has been proclaimed Dia de los Muertos Republicanos

Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington, VA - The Republican Party has decided to celebrate in anticipation of a massive defeat at the polls on November 4th by proclaiming Election Day 'Day of the Dead Republicans'.

"We Republicans don't like anything that sounds too much like an idea," explained GOP Co-chairmen Just Mean and Plain Nasty. "But we're truly dead and buried, so we might as well make the best of it and get in a festive mood."

Explaining this was no last minute ploy to woo Hispanic voters, Mean and Nasty said now that they have given up all hopes of an election victory they can let their hair down and party.

"The Day of the Dead Republicans is going to be lots of fun for everyone. Don't be surprised if you see John McCain casting his vote dressed up in a calacas skeleton suit," shared a ghoulish Mr Mean.

"Not only that, but Sarah Palin will be giving autographs dressed as a catrina Corpse Bride. I'll bet you didn't know that Helena Bonham Carter did Palin's voice over during the campaign, did you?" added a cheerless Ms Nasty.

In preparation for the spectacular event, a gigantic shrine is being constructed outside Republican headquarters in Washington. Two large sugar skulls feature prominently in the shrine, with John and Sarah carved into the foreheads of each skull respectively. The sugar skulls are surrounded by mountains of fresh orange marigolds and vigil candles, and Republican pilgrims are leaving bottles of tequila and other food offerings.

José Six Pack and his family travelled to Washington DC from their home in Yuma, Arizona to participate in the Dia de los Muertos Republicanos celebrations.

"We brought our ofrendas, or offerings of Budweiser for McCain and moose jerky for Palin," said José, explaining that the dead like to enjoy their favourite food and drinks. "We also brought pillows so they could rest their weary heads after such a long campaign journey."

The Day of the Dead Republicans is slated as a festive occasion to celebrate the cycle of life and death of the Republican Party.

Many groups will get together to swap funny stories and reminiscences of McCain and Palin on the campaign trail.

"Dios Mio! Remember that time when Sarah Palin referred to herself as a Pitbull with lipstick?" chuckled José Six Pack. "Damned she was funny. I'll miss her on Saturday Night Live."

Señora Six Pack quipped, "And that John McCain, he had me in stitches whenever he talked about health care. RIP, Juanito".

Not-quite-live entertainment will feature prominently during the dead event as well. There will be music by hardcore punk band the Dead Kennedys as well as American rock band the Grateful Dead, featuring several band members now deceased.

There will also be fun for the entire family with screenings of classic death-themed films to be shown on the Mall as well, including Death Becomes Her, Death Wish, Viva la Muerte, and Corpse Bride.

"The death of the Republican Party should be a cause of celebration for everyone," proclaimed Republican Co-chairman Ms Nasty. "We want to make our parting a real party."

"We're dead, that's life," explained Republican Co-chairman Mr Mean.

"It feels like we've been out of touch for such a long time. If the living can communicate with us on this special day and send us on our way, then we can stop haunting you and let you get on with the real business of life."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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