MIAMI, Florida -- Dumbfounding the U.S. intelligence community, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is confirmed to have purchased the state of Florida in a deal worth US$ 66 billion, which included a beach-front villa in northern Ft. Lauderdale. He has already taken up residence there with over 200 bodyguards, and several Cuban-American dancers who work in various clubs on Miami Beach's Ocean Drive.
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge knew nothing of the deal, The Spoof has learned from a prepared statement released by his office. It reads, "Neither the United States Homeland Security Office, nor any of its executives or employees, had any forewarning that the state of Florida was sold, or indeed that it was even up for sale. Nowhere on eBay could we find any such listing." Ridge could not be reached for comment.
In related and equally shocking news, Florida political insiders revealed the recipient of the funds was Governor Jeb Bush who has fled to Cuba. United Airlines did not confirm his final destination but admitted a ticket from Miami to Toronto was sold to a Jebediah Bush at 5:15 AM on Wednesday, June 2, and that he was on the flight scheduled to depart 7:05 AM the same morning. The flight left six minutes late and arrived on time in Toronto. Further routing of Mr. Bush could not be confirmed by press time.
New neighbors of Castro had mixed reactions to the news. Leon Jackson, who owns a much smaller shack about five doors down, was livid. "I can't believe we would let this happen!" he exclaimed. "How could he even get in the country let alone buy the state? Who wants tickets to the Panthers?"
By contrast, Juan (who was smoking a Cohiba and wouldn't give his last name) said, "You know, that beach house belonged to the Bushes before. Fidel's going to be a better neighbor than them for sure. When the President's daughters had use of the place, it would become an all-out, filthy whorehouse. Castro's already got better looking honeys in there."
And Mary MacKenzie, former world-class archer and owner of the mansion next door, indicated she didn't mind having a dictator in such close proximity. "Who knew he was this rich?" she remarked, adding, "I'm in real estate and the bungalow across the street is on the market. I'll be contacting [North Korean leader] Kim Jong Il."
Jeb Bush in Havana was seen asking around for reporters so that he could issue a statement, but the Cuban state media office, consisting of one man and a 1951 Tolstoy-brand typewriter, was also now in Ft. Lauderdale with Castro. Mr. Bush had already purchased a 1958 Edsel and locals were saying he looked good in it.
The President, former Governor Jeb Bush's brother, could not be reached. One intern, on condition of anonymity, said that he was practicing a speech on Iraq. Neither Bush nor the White House released a statement.
Pentagon officials, when questioned on what the U.S.'s next move would be, pondered the option of visiting Cuba since, with its dictator in exile, travel restrictions and the embargo could now surely be dropped. Rumsfeld was overheard saying, "And Jeb's gonna have quite some fun with that kind of stash. Let's go help him spend it."