Written by Aspartame Boy
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Topics: Aspartame

Sunday, 26 October 2008

image for Scientists Create Worker Ideal Clone
The True Decider testing a WIC

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CO - Military Industrial Complex scientists leaked today that they have created the ideal worker and have cloned a score of them. These new creatures are known as WICs (Worker Ideal Clone).

WICs promise to work for two pennies per day - one penny they at once spend on food pellets - the other penny they invest in a 401K. This is just in time for the Greater Depression of 2009. Feeding WICs is simple. They eat what they are told to eat, and so far are doing fine on pellets made from saturated fat, salt, sugar, flouridated water, toothpase, and aspartame.

Aspartame does not kill the WICs, since they are modified to metabolize methonol. They do release a gas that is fatal to humans, but only upon excusing themselves to go outside.

They do not deficate, and only urinate once per day - always on trees. They have no need for sleep, other than a 5 minute nap per day.

WICs have no frontal lobes. They are incapable of speech, but understand all spoken human languages. WICs do not read or use the internet.

Also, WICs always have bare arms, since they always have their sleeves rolled up to work. They never vote. Housing WICs is not required, since they are always at work. Transporting WICs is also not required for the same reason.

WICs synthesize all their own vitamins and can extend a special proboscis into the ground to extract minerals when needed. This proboscis also helps WICS in digging ditches.

WICs live exactly to the age of 59.5 years, where upon they die, so that any 401K funds remain untouched, and no Social Security payments are required.

WICs are all test tube grown, so there are no maternity leave requirements. No need for abortions.

While WICs are maturing, they simply sit in front of TV screens soaking up instructions for later life while munching on food pellets.

Once an army of WICs have been produced, their first assignment will to be to dig enough ditches to bury non-WIC workers.

After that, they will cater to the whims of the only one whose voice they obey - the True Decider - from an undisclosed location.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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