Washington, D.C. - A funny thing happen to Braack Obama while on his way to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother, needing some pocket change for the trip, he made a quick stop at a local ATM where he unexpectedly ran into a McCain supporter.
"When they first saw each other, they were quite cordial," said Gloria Byers, a bank teller who witnessed the chance meeting between the two in the bank's parking lot while on her lunch break. "I guess Obama thought he was greeting another venerable young attractive white female potential voter of his because he shook the young white woman's hand and introduced himself."
According to Byers filed police report regarding the alleged crime, Obama and the twenty-year-old female McCain supporter stood in line at the ATM waiting their respective turns to withdraw money just before the incident occurred.
"They made eye contact and were making small talk. Nothing political or religious in nature at first," said Byers. "Then the conversation turned to the weather and that's when all hell broke loose."
Obama immediately took the position that global warming was to blame for the recent balmy weather, while the McCain women stood her ground on Sarah Palin's position that other factors like the gates of hell being opened up in preparation for judgment day more likely account for the climate change.
"I heard the sound of a young woman screaming coming from outside," said the Bob Clifton, the bank's security guard. "So I stepped out to see what was going on."
"Oh, but Bob was too late," said Byers. "By that time, Obama had already pulled out a machete from his pocket and started carving out the letter 'B' on the white female McCain supporter's face, while his bodyguards held her down."
Obama's security detail then formed a semicircle around the two, blocking the view of people passing by, according to Byers.
"That's why there were no other witnesses," said Byers "That's the God's honest truth too."
"I didn't see any such thing," said Clifton. "Just Byers taking her usual noontime nap in her car while some crazy woman parked next to her screamed out loud as she looked at herself in the review mirror, scratching up her own face with a pocket knife. I yelled out, 'Hey lady! Don't you know anything about mirrors reversing the image you see in them?' Kids today, what are you going to do?"
"Once Obama was finished carving into the girls face, he handed off the machete to one of his men," continued Byers. "Then they all ran off into the parking lot hooting and hollering like a bunch of school boys, jumping into their limousines, pealing out of the parking lot and honking their horns as they left."
Later, Byers attempted to comfort the alleged victim, even rendering her first aid medical attention, inadvertently contaminating any evidence at the crime scene.
"She asked me how bad it looked," said Byers "I lied and told her it wasn't that bad. But it really did look pretty bad, but only because the letter 'B' was spelled backwards. So, I told her to keep holding up the mirror to her face so she could see the letter spelled right. You know I don't think that Obama fellow is all that smart; otherwise, he'd be a better speller. I guess he was a little nervous though, with his security men looking over his shoulder, and all the struggling and screaming for help."
Police later arrested Byers at her home, charging her with making a false statement to a police officer, filing a false police report, obstruction of justice and conspiracy.
"I just don't know what's happened to the America I once knew," said Byers from her prison cell. "There was a time in American when everyone was willing to believe anything unsavory, especially when it involved a Black guy, or Latino, and a white woman. What's going on?"