To all the good citizens of America who can vote for me: I am John Kerry---someone you can both trust and look up to. While serving as a Senator from Massachusetts, I have worked hard to gain your appreciation. I am running for President of the United States---an office that is presently held by a complete moron. Let me tell you a few things about my opponent, George W. Bush. His father was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and so were all of his ancestors; my father was a humble shoemaker. George W. Bush did not attend Yale like I did; he was a dropout in the 7th grade and even failed shop class. I graduated from college with honors most of you have never even heard of.
I joined the US Navy, and while serving as Admiral aboard a battleship on the Mekong River, I single-handedly won the war in Vietnam and saved the word from communism. Meanwhile, George W. Bush was hooked on cocaine, spent his family's ill-won fortune, and even impersonated being an Air Force fighter pilot to avoid being drafted. I was awarded six Purple Hearts and three Congressional Medals of Honor---while at the same time George Bush was picking up cigarette butts at some baseball park in Texas.
My wife, Teresa is a lovely All-American girl who comes from a family whose ancesters arrived on the Mayflower; George Bush's wife slipped across the Mexican border and is nearly as illiterate as George. Teresa and I have nine wonderful daughters now in college; the Bushes were unable to have children because of George's terrible drug abuse problem. Teresa knows how to cook ketchup 57 different ways; Laura Bush can't even whip up a decent "Foie gras aux violettes de Toulouse"
Finally, I wish to remind all of you that I spend thousands of dollars each time I go for a haircut; my opponent uses a Flowbie that he found in a pawnshop.
I hope I can depend on you having as positive opinion of me as I have, and that you will vote for me in November. In the meantime, you can cast a vote for Teresa in the viewer poll up in the right hand corner of this page. I'm not one to "kiss and tell" but she is really hot!