Nov. 10, 2004-- Anyone B. Bush (formerly known as John Kerry) won the American Presidential Election yesterday by beating George W. Bush. "I'm so happy I changed my name," said Mr. Anyone B. Bush, "it made all the difference in name recognition and making my policies clear."
Discounting a widely help rumor, Mr. Anyone B. Bush stated he will not be adding another middle name beginning with the letter "B". "In fact, before I am sworn in I will be changing my name back to John Kerry," he said.
"If I was known as ABBA, I would have to go to Iraq and rock them until they dance to the tune of democracy, which is a bad idea since I cannot dance, sing, carry a tune or tap my feet" Mr. Anyone B. Bush said. "But instead, I will go to Iraq as John Kerry, and end the war by putting them to sleep with my speeches."
George W. Bush was less than enthusiastic about his electoral loss. "God told me he wanted me to be President," he complained, "so why didn't I get re-elected? He's just not fair!" The White House denied that President George Bush had a foot-stomping hissy fit on the telephone with Mama Barbara. "There's no truth to that rumor," said Vice-President Dick Cheney, "In fact, before Anyone B. Bush changes his name back to John Kerry, I will change my name to John Kerry so I can get sworn in first. So there!"
In response to the dramatic changes in the political landscape, the following governmental name changes were also announced: The Pentagon will be changing its name to one of the following: The Hexagon, The Octagon, or The Far Gone; The White House will be changing its name to The Whitey House; The Capitol will be changing its name to Das Capital; and the Potomac River will henceforth be named Flub-A-Dub-Dub.
In addition, the CIA will now be known as "T-Joy" (TJOY), which stands for "The Joke's On You."