Medical experts have been frustrated by the limited access to the candidates' health records.
Nothing has appeared on Palin except for some tantalizing hints of frostbite and megalomania; Biden won't reveal the full details of the persistent trickle of blood in brain; Obama is thought to be covering up a caste of hammer and sickle cell anemia; and McCain, whose illnesses could keep the freshman class at Harvard Medical School busy for the rest of their four years, gave doctors about as much time to see his records as contestants on Beat the Clock. (Don't worry, McCain remembers the 50's show...or does he?)
Today however, the ailing and aged Repub candie revealed an entire parade of pathologies ranging from leaky bladder, hemorrhoids, erectile disfunction and GOMS (Grumpy Old Man Syndrome).
Strategy or tactic? McCain sprung the secret: "I'm a lot sicker than Obama's granny! Did he ever visit me with a thermos of chicken soup? No! How could you trust a man who has brutally beaten an infirm old invalid into the ground month after month? Vote for me, a very sick man who understands a sick America!"