Blue Tick, Ohio - An 89 year old Ohio woman faces charges of petit theft and grievous bodily harm after being arrested for keeping neighbourhood children's balls.
Edna Gonads was taken into custody by Blue Tick sheriff's deputy, Barney Fife, over the weekend. According to Deputy Fife, Mrs Gonads had an ongoing dispute with several neighbourhood boys who were constantly playing football near her house.
"It appears it was just some kids having fun, but Mrs Gonads got a little testy and took matters into her own hands," reported Fife, as he swaggered in front of assembled reporters outside the Blue Tick jail.
Fife added, with considerable self-importance, "Apparently the boys' football kept getting kicked or thrown into the alleged perpetrator's front lawn, breaking her begonias. When they asked for it back, Mrs Gonads lured them onto her property with promises of fresh baked apple pie and lemonade," stated Fife, nervously fidgeting with his bullet.
"When the three boys, aged eleven, eleven and a half, and twelve, were pretty high on the lemonade," Mrs Gonads took out her apple paring knife and relieved each of them of their balls."
Deputy Fife added, "The crime scene wasn't a pretty site. I haven't seen anything like it since the Darling boys got ahold of Ernest T. Bass for fiddling with Charlene and stuck him like a pig. It was awful, just awful."
Blue Tick officials are withholding the names of the alleged victims because of their ages. However, Deputy Fife assured reporters that Opie Taylor was not one of boys castrated by Mrs Gonads.
"Andy made me check the balls straight away, and none of them was Opie's," assured a high-pitched and high-strung Fife. "Just to make sure, I called home and had Aunt Bea do a strip search on Opie, and she reported they were both hanging right where she had left them."
In her self defence, Mrs Gonads issued a statement through her lawyer. In the statement, a feisty Mrs Gonads alleges that the three boys deserved their punishment.
"It's my property. I warned them what would happen if they didn't stay out of my flower beds. They messed with my begonia bulbs so I messed with theirs. Plain and simple."
Many of Blue Tick's rural population were shocked by the news of the castration of three of the town's boys by the kindly widower. Helen Crump, a neighbour, told reporters that she knew Mrs Gonads well and couldn't believe the allegations.
"She is a sweet old lady who baked apple pies, made lemonade and sat on her veranda listening to classical music all the time. I think her favourite was the Farinelli: Il Castrato soundtrack," added Ms Crump, who happens to be the local Blue Tick music teacher.
After a pause, and with a gleam in her eye, Ms Crump exclaimed, "All might not be lost! Six little pre-pubescent testicles would be a small price to pay if I am able to form a trio out of these three boys in time for the Mount Pilot auditions for the next X Factor! I just hope Louie Walsh will be coaching the groups again next year."