Philadelphia PA-- Voters going to polling stations next month may be in for some surprises. Homeland Insecurity has installed electronic touch pads equipped with the latest in nanotechnology and computer software. Many voters may wish to bring an attorney with them when they go into the voting booth.
It's all an effort to keep voting clean and fair, according to Homeland Insecurity Chief Mikhail Schmuckoff.
"The system is activated as soon as the voter touches the keypad. The nanotechnology instantly reads the fingerprint. This data is then sent through PROMISE software to check for outstanding warrants, parole violations, child support and student loans in default." said the chief.
Chief Schmuckoff also noted the keypad nanotechnology conducts an instantaneous drug screening. Cannabis, cocaine, and heroin are just some of the more than 20 drugs screened. Arrest warrants will be issued for any voters in possession of drugs in the bloodstream.
All voting from any suspected criminal will be erased.
"Voters may wish to come in early, I'm sure there will be lots of police action at every polling station!" laughed the evil Chief Schmuckoff. "We must keep voting pure in our United Socialist States of America!"