My fellow Americans: As your President, I have tried my best to make all the money flow to the rich where it can do the most good. I have tried to give my friends in the oil bidness all the breaks they deserve. Meanwhile, the Democrats have decided to try to win the White House from me before I serve my two terms. Let me tell you a few things about my opponent, Senator John Kerry. John Kerry is the son of Russian atomic spies who were condemned to death; I was born into a humble farm family and was a member of 4H. John Kerry did not go to Yale like I did; he attended Flotsam Community College and got mostly C's and D's. John Kerry dodged the draft and ran up to Canada instead of serving two tours in 'Nam like I did. John Kerry never won any medals; I have four Purple Hearts, a Buck Rogers secret decoder ring, and two Congressional Medals of Honor.
John Kerry is not married to Teresa Heinz; she is a Senator-collecting brazen hussy of a harlot and they are living together in sin. I'm married to Laura and we've had sex only once. Laura didn't even smile--I guarantee it! They have a whole string of big fancy houses and drive around in limos; we live down here at the ranch and I drive a beat up old pickup.
John Kerry does not believe in God; I have been saved by the Lord. Every world leader despises John Kerry; I have all the leaders of the free world wrapped around my little pinky. John Kerry (and especially that slutty little foul-mouthed Teresa) have no understanding of art, culture, music and history; my achievements in these areas are well known among the intelligentsia.
John Kerry is a lying, cheating, ignorant piss ant of a man... and I'm gonna whup his ass come November.