Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Friday, 17 October 2008

image for John McCain's blinked coded message to "Joe the Plumber" decoded: "You is my brain trust!"
Say it ain't so Joe

Holland, Ohio - John McCain's some three thousand eye blinks during the final presidential nominee debate did not go unnoticed by viewers last night. In fact, mathematicians at MIT claim that he was sending a coded message to "Joe the Plumber" all the while. Furthermore, they claim that they have decoded it.

"It was a simple code to crack really," said William Jenkins, Chair of the Mathematics Department at MIT. "It was a combination based in part on the now obsolete Morris Code and repressed nervous twitches of a raging maniac."

According to Jenkins, McCain's secret coded message was addressed to "Joe the Plumber", offering him a cabinet position, if he is elected president.

Standing before a movie screen, which the Professor pulled down with the assistance of a pointer, Jenkins replayed monochrome footage from the debate using an old spooled film projector located at the back of the classroom.

"Here, you can see Mr. McCain beginning to transmit his coded message via his eye blinking shortly after the debate starts and way before he ever first mentions 'Joe the Plumber," says Jenkins, as members of the media struggle to take notes in the dark. "This is the first cue that the McCain message is encrypted."

Jenkins then turned the lights back on and handed out ditto machine copies of the full text of the decoded message to members of the media:


You are the one, 'Joe the Plumber'. You will head my economic brain trust leading us into the New Order of economic prosperity of not sharing the wealth.

You are the one, 'Joe the Plumber' that will lead us to the Promised Land, Alaska!

All hail our beloved leader, Natas! Natas! Natas!


"Do not be alarmed by the brevity of the text," said Jenkins. "Keep in mind it was blinked letter by letter and repeated continuously throughout the debate making it appear longer than it actually is. Although, we are still at a loss as to the reference to the one called: 'Natas', we are confident, despite this sole exception, that this is the complete body of the McCain encrypted message to 'Joe the Plumber."

"Obviously, 'Joe the Plumber' has what it takes to get the job done," agreed an economist. "After Bush's so-called lame duck presidency is done with our economy, our nation will need a plumber to clean up the mess left behind."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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