Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 16 October 2008

image for The New GOP Ticket: McCain & Joe The Plumber
McCain's new running mate, Joe The Plumber's office (photo courtesy of Paris Hilton)

YUMA, Arizona - In a highly unprecedented and shocking political move, Sen. John McCain has dropped Sarah Palin as his running mate and replaced her with Joe Wurzelbacher (aka Joe The Plumber).

This unbelievable turn of events comes just less than three weeks before the Nov. 4 presidential election. McCain when asked why he would make such a monumental move replied, "Look my friends, and let me say that I use that word in a friendly way...I take full responsibility for this crazy, I mean crafty decision. And let me make it crystal clear that my beautiful and rich wife, Cindy Lou had nothing to do with my decision to kick 'Snowflake Sarah' off the GOP ticket."

McCain added, "I know that there are those, and they shall go nameless such as Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, and Laura Bush who a few months ago when I first picked Sarah Louise to be my running mate remarked, 'Goodness, what in the world was John thinking?' And to be perfectly honest, the answer to that is, my peeps, John was not thinking...John was on a mental vacation...and I'm being frank when I say that John was just picturing Sarah sitting around the White House presidential swimming pool in a bikini swimsuit, there I said it...and I do not apologize for that remark. And I promise you that every red-blooded American male, even Clay Aiken and Lance Bass, know that it is just good old John, being a 'good old guy.'

McCain when asked how he told Gov. Palin about his decision stated, "Oh, I didn't tell her...I had Cindy tell her. She just simply informed her through an email." McCain was asked why he didn't tell Gov. Palin himself and he replied, "Good question, and I have a good answer, I was much too busy meeting with my new running mate, 'Joe The Plumber' who by the way Senator Obama and I mentioned 16 times during our last debate.

Now due to the fact that the name 'The Straight Talk Express' is painted on the sides, both left and right, of my campaign bus, I will come clean and be forthright with the American people. There is something that I have been wanting to say for some time, but for obvious reasons I could not. The one thing that I did not like about Sarah Louise was the fact that her and Cindy Lou hardly had anything in common, except of course for the obvious, which is that they are both members of the same gender; the girl gender. But that is pretty much as far as any similarities went."

McCain smiled and said, "Let me say as a proud husband, that my Cindy is a well-mannered, soft-spoken, jewelry-wearing, femininely feminine lady. She does not climb trees, or build dog sleds from scratch. My dainty little 'Grandma Barbie Doll' does not dig holes with her hairbrush, sew her own bras from beaver pelts, or eat food that she has personally shot, skinned, and cooked herself.

My fair-skinned slim and trim Cindy also does not race snowmobiles. She does not know how to tune up a snowplow, and she certainly never carries a hockey puck in her purse. And let me say that there is nothing wrong with a woman doing those things...heck I'm sure that Rosie O'Donnell or Susan Lucci could probably trap a polar bear, if they really had to.

McCain sneezed and continued, "So, my amigos, I am proud to say, as I am sure most American men are, that I am thrilled beyond belief that my partner in marriage, my sexy svelte senora, my little passion-charged Phoenix minx would never enjoy eating wilderness food, such as scorpions, boll weevils, mimosa webworms, chinch bugs, or caribou nuts."

"And so now I have to leave...I have to meet with my new running mate 'Joe The Plumber' about a pipe problem that I am having in one of my seven houses. Oh and there is something that I want the American people and especially those who vote to know. And that is that Joe called me last night at 11:30 PM (Mountain Standard Time), and he said that another reason that I can tell the voters why it makes sense to have 'Joe The Plumber' as vice-president would be because he could fix any and all plumbing problems that may arise in the White House and all his work would come with his satisfaction guaranteed or double your money back guarantee.

I know that everyone will soon be hearing about this, but let me be the first to tell you. The latest polls show that my popularity is slipping big time. And most polls show me trailing Sen. Obama by a margin of 26 points and that's 61% to 35% with 5% sitting on the damn fence.

So with that in mind, my chief advisers and I have decided to change up my campaign strategy a little bit. Now I really do not want to give away too many of the details or the particulars, but let me just say that my new campaign attack strategy will have a little something to do with the fact that my opponent is Black.

Now having said that let me state for the record that there is nothing wrong with my new campaign attack strategy especially since afterall it is really no secret that my opponent is Black. Just as everyone knows that it is really no secret that I am old, tired, I have a silly looking comb-over, and more times than not I forget to wear underwear. But all of that is really okay, because that is why we refer to what we do as dirty politics. I have been around a long, long, long, long time and I have never really seen any politician practice clean politics...with the one possible exception of Dennis Kucinich, but hey where the heck is Denny boy anyway?

And so in closing, I just want to leave you with this little phrase, which my new running mate 'Joe The Plumber' has on his business card..."Can't leak 'cause your toilet has a leak, call me, I'll fix your leak and I'll have you back leaking quicker than you can say, 'Hurry up Joe, I'm fixing to pee all over myself.'"

(Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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