Chicago, Illinois-- Michelle Obama revealed she is eight-months pregnant with twin boys. The twins are due Election Day.
Michelle confessed she is "carrying low and in the back" and that's why her ass is so big. She spoke exclusively to me in an imaginary interview.
Michelle said keeping her pregnancy a secret was an African tradition.
"Why does everything have to follow a white program? I am so sick of you people. My sons will be African warriors and be not be anything like you people." she hatefully hissed.
Michelle plans to follow an Afrocentric birthing technique. She will dig a hole in the dirt after going into labor. She will then squat down and give birth in the hole, without the benefit of painkillers.
"My sons will be strong soldiers, they will be born in the earth like all warriors. How they will hate you white devils!" she hissed again.
Michelle says she and Barack have already chosen the names. The boys will be called Mohammed and Osama.
"None of your business what I call my boys, whitey. Go f*ck yourself." she snapped.
Michelle says her boys will also one day be president.
"Barack will be president for eight years. Then I will be president for eight years and then my boys will take over. You white people can kiss your white asses goodbye." she yelled.