Written by David David
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Wednesday, 15 October 2008

image for Cheney Undergoes Heart Tests - None Found
Secret Service rushed Dick Cheney to hospital after his erratic behavior suggested he might have a heart

Washington, DC - Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to hospital today when it was feared that he suffered a heart attack.

According to unofficial reports, Cheney stopped to donate a dime to a homeless person camped outside his White House offices. Fearing the worse, Secret Service agents accompanying the Vice President immediately whisked him into a waiting ambulance.

"We've all had medical training concerning the Vice President's heart condition," said a Secret Service agent under the condition of anonymity. "Charity is right at the top of the list signalling possible heart problems for him. We took no chances."

Paramedic Chester Thumper, who attended Cheney in the ambulance, told reporters that the Vice President's condition deteriorated as they passed through Dupont Circle.

"We were really panicked. Mr Cheney forced us to stop the ambulance so he could pick up a copy of The Onion satire newspaper that regularly lampoons him. He then gave two more quarters to homeless drunks and hugged a gay couple."

Thumper added that by the time they got to the hospital, the Vice President was conducting a sing-along in the back of the ambulance to the tune of "If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair."

Hospital spokesperson, Dr Tin Man, emerged from the cardiac unit to brief reporters after three hours of anxious waiting.

"We've run every test his insurance will pre-approve," reported Dr Tin Man. "We don't have final results yet, pending clearance of Mr Cheney's credit card for his co-payment."

Dr Tin Man added, "However preliminary results look promising. All tests of Mr Cheney having a heart have come back negative so far."

In response to a reporter's question, Dr Tin Man was at a loss to explain the Vice President's erratic behavior throughout the day suggesting he had a heart.

"Who knows? He might have briefly come into contact with a live high voltage wire or lightning, like that Mr Frankenstein fellow," ventured Dr Tin Man.

President Bush addressed the nation after being briefed on the Vice President's health scare. "My fellow Americans, do not panic. The Constitution is clear in times like these. I shall assume the powers of Acting Vice President until Dick fully recovers. He may be heartless, but the pulse of government won't miss a beat."

Democratic presidential hopeful, Barrack Mojo Obama, sent his best wishes to the Vice President for a speedy recovery.

"When I heard the shocking news that Dick Cheney might have a heart, I couldn't believe it", stated Obama. "My prayers go out to the Vice President and his family in this terrible time. He has brains and courage, but a heart is just not in the cards for that SOB."

The most recent update on the Vice President's condition comes from cardiac ward staff at the hospital. They have reported that Mr Cheney is slowly getting back to his old heartless self. He reportedly kicked a gay nurse and pulled the plug on a homeless man without insurance.

"We expect to release him in the morning in time to veto the veterans' health benefits bill in the Senate," added Dr Tin Man.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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