CASA GRANDE, Arizona - Several months ago Cindy McCain received a call from Hugh Hefner telling her that he was going to be putting out a brand new men's magazine. He told her that it would be just like his original magazine, with the exception that the women in this new publication would be older and more mature. He had decided to name it 'Playboy Mature.'
Hef offered Mrs. McCain $1 million to appear in the premier issue and she politely declined his offer. But since then things have changed drastically. Cindy is realizing that her husband's chances of being elected to the presidency are quickly fading away. He has dropped dramatically in the polls. And she is extremely desperate to help her husband.
So she called up Hef and told him that she had reconsidered his offer and that she would consent to doing the interview/photo shoot as long as she would appear on the cover and also be the centerfold. Hugh quickly agreed and he promised her that the magazine would hit the newstands by November 1, three days before the presidential election.
Hef had originally approached Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin, Jill Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Condeleezza Rice, Maria Schriver-Schwarzenegger, and Hillary Clinton and all had verbally agreed to appear in the issue in an article entitled, "The Women of Politics." But then suddenly for some unknown reason each one decided to cancel. Hef said he feels that the reason may have been jealousy because he had decided that Sarah Palin was going to be the centerfold as well as appear on the cover wearing nothing but moose hunting boots.
Here is the interview that was conducted with Cindy McCain and which will appear in the premier issue of Playboy Mature Magazine. Not one word has been deleted, omitted, changed, rearranged, or revised:
PLAYBOY: First off, Mrs. McCain thank you so much for agreeing to be a part of our very first issue for 'Playboy Mature'.
CINDY: You are quite welcome. And let me say that I really and truly do consider it an honor to be 'Playboy Mature's' first 'Mrs. November.' You know, I'm 54, but I feel like I'm 34.
PLAYBOY: And let me say Mrs. McCain, that I have seen your photos and wow, I must say that underneath your clothes you look fantastic...you look like you could be 51.
CINDY: My goodness, thank you and aren't you sweet. Flattery will get you everywhere...well at least it'll get you a case of Budweiser anyway.
PLAYBOY: Budweiser Light? Mrs. McCain.
CINDY: You got it, and please call me Cindy.
PLAYBOY: Okay. Cindy could you tell us something personal about yourself...perhaps something that maybe even Sean Hannity doesn't know.
CINDY: Sure. Well I weigh 121 pounds, I'm 5'6" with beautiful blue bedroom eyes, natural blonde hair, and I have 3.5 orgasms a month.
PLAYBOY: Okay, and having seen 127 of the 130 nude photos that were taken of you, I can say without question that Cindy Lou McCain is definitely a natural blonde.
CINDY: Absolutely...no Brazilian wax job for this Arizona babe.
PLAYBOY: Cindy what are your measurements?
PLAYBOY: And do you have any tattoos, piercings, or any blemishes?
CINDY: No tattoos, no piercings, but I do have a very tiny strawberry birthmark on the right side of my bikini line, but that's kind of personal so if you really don't mind I would like for us to go on to the next question.
PLAYBOY: Of course. Cindy do you have a favorite number?
CINDY: Yes, it's 193.
PLAYBOY: 193...does it have any special significance?
CINDY: No, I just like that number.
PLAYBOY: Cindy there are reports circulating on CNN and The Discovery Channel that if John loses the election that you are planning on divorcing him. Are those rumors true?
CINDY: Yes they are.
PLAYBOY: Gosh, can you tell me why you are divorcing him if he loses?
CINDY: Yes, it's because I caught him and Sarah comparing trigger fingers...
PLAYBOY: And what's so bad about that?
CINDY: well, you did not let me finish. They were comparing trigger fingers while in the shower.
PLAYBOY: Wow. So what did they say when you caught them?
CINDY: Well John said "Cindy this is not what it appears to be...I am just tutoring Sarah on the finer points of the debate process." I then told him that he had two seconds to get his tutor out of her debate process or I was calling the police.
PLAYBOY: And what did they do?
CINDY: Well John fainted. And Sarah started giggling and she said that she was embarrassed and that she was feeling somewhat uncomfortable. I told her that I was not surprised since somehow she had managed to get the shower curtain wedged up inside her [PERSONAL BODY PART NAME DELETED BY EDITOR].
CINDY: So anyway, when John came too, I hollered at him that, that was precisely the reason why I had strongly urged him to go with Joe Liberman instead of Palin. But no, the horse's ass said that with Sarah on the ticket we would be locking up the moose hunters' vote.
PLAYBOY: Okay Cindy, well I want to express my sincerest thanks to you for being such a good sport and agreeing to do this interview and layout.
CINDY: You are quite welcome. And just for the record, I had John sign a pre-nuptial agreement so I just want everyone to know that I get to keep all of my seven homes, all of my cars, my Budweiser gold mine, and our two dogs.
PLAYBOY: And what does John get?
CINDY: What does John get? John gets to get the hell out of my life so that I can start dating the man of my dreams...Anderson Cooper.
Playboy Mature Magazine called Sen. McCain and asked him for a comment and he said that the only thing that he wanted to say was that he and Sarah were not comparing trigger fingers, they were actually comparing biceps.
When we called Palin's office, her assistant said that she was out in her backyard in the middle of skinning a moose but that she would call back as soon as she was finished and could wash her hands. She never called.
(One size fits all)