WASHINGTON D.C. - President Bush announced that he will be taking $250 billion of the $700 billion bailout money and will be buying every single McDonald's Restaurant in the world.
As American taxpayers from the Left Coast to the Right Coast shake their heads in disbelief King George says that he knows what he is doing and to leave him alone because he has not listened to the American people in eight years and he sure as hell isn't gonna start now.
Even Laura Bush chimed in, "Hey y'all, I mean come on now folks, haven't you learned that my Georgy is gonna do whatever the heck he feels like doing. Did you forget that the man is one of those 'all hat no cattle cowboys,' and you just cannot tell the hard-headed cowpoke anything."
Just then the president walked in and said, "Howdy, what's the word on the street?" And when told that the word on the street was that the American people are fed up with his arrogance he replied, "Look, partner let me put it to you like this. I'm the president, the American people voted me president, and they all knew full well that by doing so that they were giving me the license to do pretty much whatever the hell I felt like doing. And doggone it I'm gonna live up to their expectations come hell or high water."
The president, grinned, tugged on his crotch and said, "The reason that I decided to buy up all of the world's McDonalds is because these babies do bring in the cash. Yes, my amigos, unlike Ford, or Amtrak, or that Constantine Maroulis fella McDonald's Restaurants are top-notch money-makers."
Bush went on, "So after I buy up every last one of these Mickey D's, we will still have roughly about $350 billion left."
Bush remarked, "I have instructed my cabinet makers, ah I mean my cabinet members to purchase stock in the following:
- The Washington Redskins
- The Grand Old Opry
- Carta Blanca Beer
- The Dallas Mavericks
- Marlboro Cigarettes
- The ABC show, 'Dancing With The Stars'
"Now, I know that there are a lot of skeptics out there who right now are saying to themselves, 'What???' And again, that's fine, afterall the last time I looked this was still America, we still pay taxes, and I am still the emperor, excuse me that's one of them Freudian slippers, you all know that I meant to say president. So having said that I just feel that I have to remind people that I just didn't fall off of a turtle truck. I am one smart 'hombre' and if you don't believe me, you just call up my mom and dad and ask them. And I tell you what...I will even give you my dad's personal cell phone number, it's." [DELETED BY EDITOR].
"So anyway, in less than 100 days, I'm moving out of the White House and I'm gonna go back to my little old ranch down in Texas, whether the people of Texas like it or not. So right now I am pretty much at the point where I just don't give a Bo Diddley squat. And I hope that I have made myself perfectly clear on that, because even if I haven't, I don't give a Bo Diddley squat and I purposely repeated myself to make a point. So don't be thinking, 'what the hell is going on with Mr. George, he's starting to repeat himself.' Well folks that is just not the case, and let me say that again, slowly, that-is-just-not-the-case.
"In closing, I just want to thank you for your time, for your patience, and for your unwavering trust in me. And I just want to say this regarding that 'weapons of mass destructing thing.' I did find those WMD's. And right now they are sitting in a safety deposit box down at The First One-Horse Town Bank of Crawford. And I and only I, have the key to that safety desposit box.
"And I will be opening up that safety deposit box and showing everyone those damn weapons of mass destruction whenever I and Geraldo Rivera get damn good and ready too, and not one minute sooner. Y'all have a have a nice day. I AM THE PRESIDENT AND I APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE."
In other news, Willie Nelson's much awaited cookbook will be hitting the bookstores this weekend. The cookbook is entitled "Willie Nelson's Favorite Secret Texas-Style Recipes But of Course Only The Ones That Don't Include Uncontrolled Substances." The book is filled with hundreds of colorful illustrations by that gorgeously sexy, hip-shaking Shakira.
(Restaurant package, not for resale)