Written by Erik Konner
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Topics: Prison

Wednesday, 2 June 2004

image for Local Wal-Mart to be Converted into Prison
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(Charleston, Ill.) -- Mayor Kevin Niece recently announced that the local Wal-Mart Supercenter will be converted into a prison.

Matthew County prisons have become overcrowded in the last couple of years. The current prison is supposed to hold 60 prisoners, however 87 prisoners are held there right now. The Supercenter should be able to hold 246 prisoners.

Local authorities have seen a spike in crystal meth production and use in the rural county. "It's as though these kids have nothing better to do these days than go down to Wal-Mart, pick up some house hold items and make themselves some meth," said Deputy Sheriff Dan Richmond.

"The solution to use [Wal-Mart] as a prison was an obvious one," said Niece. "The place is windowless, has 19 security cameras placed around the perimeter and lets face it, it's huge."

"Hopefully the lack of supplies will lead to lower meth production," Richmond continued. "We are purchasing all of the pillow cases from the store before it closes, that way we can have a little Abu Ghraib fun of our own."

Resident Bo Luchs had this to say about the decision. "Aw shucks, I'll have to start shoppin uptown again for the stuff to make my creestal meth."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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