Ft. Dix, NJ/ Basic Training in Pine Barrens - Saying he wanted to learn more about the military, Barack Obama took 4 hours off from campaigning to take a compressed basic training course. Scoring 85 out of a possible 100 on the final physical and written exam, graded by VP Candidate "Honest" Joe Biden, he says he is now ready to lead, but thinks guns are unnecessary!
"Those things are heavy, awkward, a bitch to keep clean, and they are very, very dangerous," the next President said referring to the Army's weapon of choice, the M16, a semi-automatic assault rifle with a 20 round capacity.
"I don't think guns are the answer, I think forming alliances with progressive Socialists like Hugo Chavez is the way to go. If we disarm, I know from private conversations with Mahmoud and Osama, they will lay down their arms and we will all live in Peace. I think we are "brothers in blood" anyway since my old man travelled all over."
Army instructors, talking over a beer in the NCO club after the Candidate completed his course and left with his entourage, said Obama was not one of their better recruits.
"He's pretty light in the loafers," one grizzled Drill Instructor said, "he's not quite as quick on his feet as Warren Sapp in the Waltz, and he can't march for shit!" The staff Sergeant was referring to the 300 lb. former standout lineman for the Tampa Bay Bucs and Oakland Raiders who has captivated audiences and judges on the popular TV show Dancing With the Stars.
The Drill Instructor went on to say that Obama's test scores were slightly skewed due to special considerations awarded him. "His wife, Michelle, did the mile run with full pack for him because he said he had a ham string injury from playing a pickup basketball game in Chicago last week end. You could tell she used to be an athlete and completed the run in the alloted 10 minutes. "
The soldier said they no longer administered drug tests after any track and field events. "That would be counter-productive," he said, "what with recruitment down and everything."
"Obama excelled in the grenade throwing event," the trainer said," he seemed to have a natural talent and alluded to prior practice when he played for an Anti-Government Hard Ball team coached by Bill Ayers."
"He was also above average in Guerilla Warfare Tactics and seemed to grasp the concept of stealth and the requirement to attack from behind with a knife to slit your opponents throat before he knew what happened," the instructor said," it looked like natural aptitude and he also excelled in duplicity, pretending to be on your side, then swiftly striking out to gain a military advantage. I'd probably use him in an undercover role, the guy is really spooky. "
One area the Candidate did not perform well in was during instruction on the Code of Military Justice, the bible for all armed forces. "He didn't seem to have much concern for our laws and traditions," the sergeant said. "He mentioned to his aide to take notes since he would be changing most laws soon anyway."
Instructors said Obama was all over the range during weapons training with the M-16, registering BOLOs from 50 to 200 yards-perfect misses. Obama said he was more comfortable with "close in work, preferably from a moving car using a 9mm Glock 19."
The Candidate said that range firing was "not realistic" and did not prepare troops for the "coming confrontation of urban Socialism Vs. Capitalism in our nation's inner cities."
The Candidate also said that the first order of business in January will be the permanent disarmament of all US troops. "The New Order will be Peaceful Capitulation to show the world we are serious," the Anointed One said,"I'm sure with all our troops at home we won't have any trouble imposing Our will here, and we already have our Armed Inner City Militias thanks to ACORN my Militant Political Action Arm. The threat to the US isn't from the outside, it's right here at Home!" (ed. note FINALLY THE TRUTH!)