Wall Street stopped all trading today when traces of melamine were found in several blue chip stocks. The NYSE began the day as usual with Mr Tu Bai, Chinese Chairman of White Rabbit Candy Company, ringing the opening bell. However, by 10:30 a.m. panic quickly spread across the floor as rumors of melamine contamination in Apple stock were circulating on traders' iPhones.
Apple quickly confirmed the rumors that its entire stock of Macintosh computers was contaminated with melamine. IBM, GE and Dow Chemical pre-empted similar rumors and followed suit, pulling all their stock from trading as well.
Wall Street Chairman and master illusionist, David Blaine, issued a statement to the press. "We have pulled all stocks off the trading floor and halting trading indefinitely because of the melamine scare." Blaine added, "At first we thought it was the products that were contaminated with melamine. Then we determined it is the actual stocks themselves."
CNN financial analyst, Petra Fyed, attempted to offer an initial analysis of the situation. According to Ms Fyed, blue chip companies have been watering down their stock and then adding melamine to fool financial inspectors for years.
"As a result, the unsuspecting public was buying up blue chip stock at over-inflated prices, thinking it was completely safe. Obviously it wasn't. Only about 25% was actually 'stock' and the rest was a combination of melamine and bullshit."
Ms Fyed added, "Melamine and bullshit are the two easiest products to slip past financial inspectors. All inside traders know that."
If Ms Fyed's projections are accurate, up to 75% of stock values could be wiped off the board overnight. "That's why they pulled all the stock off the floor and halted trading today," she speculated. "A 75% fall in prices wouldn't just be the train wreck we have all been expecting. It's gone into nuclear meltdown now."
In Washington, lawmakers reacted with astonishment when informed that Wall Street had effectively shut down due to widespread melamine contamination of blue chip stock.
President Bush spoke in historical terms to his cabinet. "I remember when I was a child, my mother Barbara used to collect S&H Green Stamps and trade them in for melamine dishware sets. Mama was so nervous when she couldn't find a matching melamine pearl casserole dish for Thanksgiving one year. Now that was a real melamine scare. But we got through it and we'll get through this one as well. God bless America."
Congress has been meeting in emergency session in an attempt to deal with the crisis. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is proposing to shorten the week by 75% to match the projected 75% fall in stock prices. According to Pelosi, "If we just had 1.75 days per week, then we could easily accommodate a 75% fall in the country's economy. I don't know why it takes a woman to think of these common sense solutions all the time."
Sarah Palin, Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, sought to steal Pelosi's thunder. "Her plan of a 1.75 day week is for wimps," shrieked Palin at a well-scripted news conference.
"I'll tell you the naked truth. In Alaska, we don't see the sun all winter. No days at all. We just stay inside and drink home-brew and make babies. There's essentially no economy at all in Alaska from October to June and we do just fine. I propose the lower 48 suck it up and do likewise."
Barrack Obama, Democratic Presidential hopeful, took an academic stance towards Governor Palin's proposal and said, "You can let a pig hibernate, but it's still a pig. Come the spring thaw, and we'll still be up to our ass in alligators. I don't know about you, but I'm climbing up on Michelle's ass until Wall Street gets its act together."
Investors all over the country are panicked over the imminent collapse of Wall Street. Single mother and Detroit automotive plant assembly-line worker, DeLyla Smith, was distraught. "I put my entire savings into blue chip stocks like Apple and Dow Chemical. Now, 75% has been shaved of my assets in just one day. It's not fair. This ain't Motown no mo, it's Moantown."
Big investors as well as small investors like DeLyla Smith are being affected by the melamine stock fund scam. Harvard University has been dodged by rumors that up to 90% of its $35 billion Endowment Fund may also be made up of melamine and bullshit.
"If we loose $32.5 billion overnight because of melamine in our endowment fund, Harvard will be shut down for good," stated Harvard President Tu Bai. However, he quickly added, "Luckily the Board has a contingency plan, and White Rabbit University should be up and running within a week. Care for a candy?"