Written by John Carroll

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Topics: suicide

Monday, 31 May 2004

image for Carrot Top Does More Commercials; Suicide Rate Rises
The decapitated head of Carrot Top - A fantasy of many.

Comedian Carrot Top has recently supplied AT&T with a new commercial, much to the disappointment of nearly everyone everywhere. "You know, for a while there I was almost sure he had died - I thought I even read about it somewhere." Said an advertisement expert.

The expert is no-doubt referencing to an event earlier this year, when a crowd of evangelists attending one of Carrot Top's shows turned violent in an attempt to, as they shouted while pelting the performed with torches and pitch-forks, "send the prophet of the Devil back where he belongs".

In response to viewing these new ads for AT&T, the suicide rate in America has shot up nearly 70%. Some of the test subjects who were forced to watch the ad before it was put on air reportedly dove for the nearest sharp object after watching it, and had to be physically restrained and eventually tranquilized to keep them from harming themselves.

The ads themselves normally feature Carrot Top acting annoying to a woman, harassing her to dial "1-800 CALL ATT". Then, afterwards, the woman tends to act captivated with Carrot Top, no doubt riding on the joke that anyone would actually find him attractive.

Carrot Top himself, it seems, couldn't be happier. "I think this is all great." He told reporters at a press conference shortly after filming the new ad. "These ads bring me one step closer to my true goal -The eradication of all Mankind."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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