Written by Morse
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Topics: Joseph Biden

Thursday, 2 October 2008

image for Biden's "Heroic Acts" Lauded by Debate Moderator; Cites New Book!
Survivng 5 days with no oxygen, Hero Biden Digs way out of coal mine,event shapes his career!

Washington, DC - Gwen Ifill, moderator of the Palin/Biden Debates, and PBS Host of the less than award winning show, The (slanted) News Hour, today announced the publishing of her new book lauding the courage of Joe Biden, Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate.

Ifill said that she would be "impartial" in the upcoming debate, and rather than appear biased, would not ask Governor Sarah Palin ANY questions,but would concentrate on Biden's amazing life story and survival against overwhelming odds in the service of his country.

Biden's career begins with the tragic coal mine collapse in Scranton, Pa., where he was the only survivor after existing 5 days without oxygen. The diligent coal miner dug himself out with the Swiss Army knife awarded to him after he successfully fended off a Boy Scout pedophile and received national recognition early in his scouting career where he plagiarized others' deeds to win his Eagle Scout award.

Emerging from the black hole, days after rescue efforts had been called off, Biden told a miraculous tale of living off rats, mushrooms, and licking moisture off the coal lined tunnel walls. Reports that he had never been in the tunnel at the time of the collapse were discounted, even though reports surfaced that he was at Dale Carnegie Courses at the time of the tragedy.

Media outlets accepted his explanation that he experienced "only Slight Dizziness" after being deprived of oxygen for 5 days, a physical condition that still earns him a pass from Liberal Media experts today. Critics, however, have often called the Senator "Brain Dead."

Of more recent events, the awarding of the Air Medal, Distinguished Flying Cross, Combat Infantry Badge, and Purple Heart, haven't hurt him with former Veterans. The medals were recently awarded by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton of the Arms Services Committee, acting for Sen. Ted Kennedy who is suffering from a life threatening disease and unable to make the presentations.

Ifill praises Biden's heroism, and dismisses accounts from military witnesses that the medals were undeserved. Those first hand accounts by decorated Air Force and Army veterans claim that Biden, allegedly on fact finding missions, was really overseas to buy Persian rugs at a discount, avoid the import duty, and not have to pay the freight home on the purchases for his Senate office.

"He never heard a shot fired in anger, his helicopter was forced down by a snow storm, not a missile attack, and he was never held captive for 5 minutes, let alone 5 years " a senior military staffer stated. "His comments that he was water boarded are slightly overstated," the veteran said, "the closest he came to that was when he and John Kerry were doing shots in the officer's club and some Grand Marnier got up his nose!"

Army surgeons at Walter Reid Army Hospital said the Senator suffered from Hemorrhoids after his harrowing experiences over seas,not a combat wound, . but they were pressured to issue the Purple Heart Citation in order to bolster the Senator's image.

Governor Palin conceded gracefully that "it sure does make him a hurtin' Ass Hole" in pre-debate comments.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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