In yet another sign of the end times, the Devil has raised gas prices to over $6 a gallon - just in time for the summer travel season. Speaking through his intermediary, Exxon/Mobile, the prince of darkness said, "Go on - drive like there's no tomorrow. And while you're at it, how'd you like a third SUV with 0% financing?"
Lawmakers who had been pressuring the White House to tap the nation's strategic oil reserves now admit it's too late. "We're toast," said Barbara Boxer (D-California) on CNN's Late Edition.
But not everyone agrees. "Satan may have us in a death grip," said Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia) at a fundraiser on Saturday, "but that only strengthens our resolve against evil. Every sign of an energy crisis is really just more evidence that we're headed in the right direction."