After temporarily suspending his campaign in order to address the economic crisis, McCain reportedly started it back up and promptly crashed it into a tree.
"The Senator is pretty banged up," said a spokesman, "but he's resting comfortably while doctors attempt to remove his foot from his mouth. Typically, that's a pretty easy procedure, but considering that the accident also left him with his head lodged up his ass, it's a little more complicated."
McCain is said to have lost control of his campaign on a sharp curve while taking credit for building a winning coalition for the $700 billion bailout of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
According to the accident report, Senator McCain was busy patting himself on the back for stepping in to solve the economic crisis when the intial vote failed. Apparently preoccupied with adjusting his "take-charge" cap and accusing Obama of watching from the side-lines, he took both hands off the wheel and went into a power skid. He attempted to regain control by casting blame for the failed vote on Obama and the Democrats, but reportedly over-corrected after it was revealed that 2/3 of Democrats voted for the bail-out while 2/3 of Republicans voted against. The campaign then careened out of control, slamming into a tree and ejecting the contorted senator from Arizona.
An accident investigator who declined to be identified mused, "What the Senator doesn't seem to understand is GPS data. In military terms, the final destination of the campaign is a strategy but the actual execution is a tactic. Sure, Senator McCain has NAVSTAR, but he made two serious tactical wrong turns: premature assumption of success and misdirected blame for failure." But, House Republicans furiously disputed suggestions that McCain should have his keys taken away, accusing House Speaker Pelosi of planting the tree McCain's campaign hit in the first place.
Bill Clinton graciously offered to drive the McCain campaign until the senator recovers, but the overture was rejected by Palin as a "little too creepy" to wrap her head around. She remains optimistic for a rapid recovery by McCain and until then, vows to follow McCain's lead and "drive the campaign straight to the gates of Hell, hitting every ditch along the way". Palin also took the opportunity to reiterate that she represented not only "Joe Six-Pack" but "Crack-Head Charlie", unlike that elitist, tea-sipping Obama. When asked by reporters if McCain being the son of an admiral placed him in the "elite" category, Palin angrily responded, "What is this, a f**king pop-quiz?"
Doctors anticipate McCain will make a full recovery and are anxiously awaiting his next bowel movement. "Once we get his head out of there, we can work on getting his foot out of his mouth," said one physician. "On the other hand, it IS wedged in there pretty tight, so we've hired a speech therapist to teach him how to talk out of his ass in the meantime." When asked about how that would affect their next debate, Obama laughed and remarked, "After the last debate, I'd say he's got that down already."