Perhaps to lower expectations about his performance during the upcoming October 2 debate with Sarah Palin, Senator Biden today seemed to admit to some kind of speech disability.
"The world knows I have a brain sensor problem. It's a disability like any other, so why can't the American people accommodate me, like say, someone in a wheelchair? Just look the other way when you hear me say the wrong thing, and like, understand I didn't really mean it. Come on, by now, after almost four decades in public life, you know exactly what I mean here in my heart."
Senator Biden interspersed his speech with stereotyped words and phrases not fit to print here, which he accompanied with involuntary tics and uncontrollable laughter when a reporter asked him about his penchant for plagiarism.
"That's old news," he said. "That's like asking, 'when did you stop beating your wife'? Well, I never beat my wife, and well, I did plagiarize a couple of times, but I didn't meant to. I was just not paying attention. Besides, I'm just not that smart, you know. I ranked like, 506th of 688 in college, as bad as John McCain, you know, but that's all we have in common, John and I, except perhaps our admiration for beautiful blondes. Have you seen my wife Jill? Who do you think is hotter, my wife Jill or Cindy? Hah, hah?
"But, like I said, you know I'm a sinner like any other. But I'm a disabled sinner, that's the difference. I talk too much, I say the wrong things, but you must understand. I used to stutter, as a kid. You don't know what is like to be unable to say what you want to say when you want to say it. I had to memorize poetry and recite for like hours and hours in front of the mirror. It's pure hell, so when you're free to speak, you can't stop, you know?
"It's such a privilege to have the ability to talk non-stop. I never want to stop talking. I love listening to myself, even to this day. I love the sound of my own voice, running free like a river, though some might say I fill space like the Niagara Falls. But, I'm like, making up for all those years I couldn't say what was in my mind. Oh, sure, you can sit there and point a finger at me, but if you were poor like me, you'd understand.
"I'm like one of the poorest Senators in Washington and I need to start building my nest egg. Jill and I just can't make it any longer on my $133 thousand salary, and just one elective surgery, like these plugs you see here on top of my head. A hair transplant like that cost lots of dough, you know. And we give one percent of all we make to charity. How much do you give? Hah? But if you elect me, my VP salary will almost double to $221,000. Ok, not double, but you know what I mean. With another hundred grand I'll be able to move to DC, stop taking the Amtrak home every night. I've been taking that train since 1972, and I'm tired…."
The senator continued talking non-stop for another two hours, during which he offended, among other groups, women, Indians and African Americans, some of the same groups he's focused on helping for much of his career.