Written by DJR
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Topics: Hollywood, Murder

Sunday, 30 May 2004

image for Uma Thurman Arrested For Murder

May 30, 2004 (Hollywood, CA) -

Uma Thurman, star of such films as Gattaca, Pulp Fiction, Paycheck and Batman & Robin, was arrested this morning for 94 counts of first degree murder.

Thurman's victims include Tokyo crime boss O-Ren Ishii, hospital worker "Buck," Pasadena housewife Vernita Green, eighty-eight unidentified victims in Tokyo, 17 year old GoGo Yubari and a man only known as "Bill." She is also accused of the attempted murders of Elle Driver and Sofie Fatale.

Thurman's lawyer, Quentin Tarantino, gave this statement:

"My client's innocent, okaaay? Umm... she was, like... REALLY pissed off at these people, alright? They tried to get her four years ago when she was doing a wedding rehearsal in El Paso. They didn't kill her, but got her fiancée and eight of her friends. And now she's PISSED, okay? She's the DEADLIEST woman in the world, alriiiiight? Umm... so I'm sitting here thinking, 'Wait a minute... she's not the bad guy in this. She deserved her revenge. Those people really deserved to die.' So she goes to Japan and gets a sword from this guy, alriiiiight?..."

Add one more victim to Thurman's list. 34 year old police officer Randall Barnes, who restrained the actress when the police were trying to handcuff her, was killed after Thurman pressed his torso five times with her thumb. When she tried to escape by climbing out of the bathroom window, Barnes chased her, but suddenly fell to the ground after taking five steps. He was pronounced dead on the scene. Coroner ruled it out as heart complications.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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