Washington,DC/ Wall Street Journal - Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson, today proposed a national lottery to dispose of a significant amount of sub prime mortgages in default.
Paulson's plan would mandate that state lotteries no longer use profits for educational benefits, but instead deed defaulted properties to the winners of his games of chance . The $1000 scratch offs are being named "U-Collect".
Paulson went on to say " the national crisis in our financial institutions demands that we forego our investment in education in this country until our banking industry is stabilized. It has been proven that the educational system in our country is already bankrupt, and there is no need throwing good money after bad, when there are more important things to deal with."
The Secretary preceded to show graphs detailing the educational plight of the nation's educational systems. According to research, most high school graduates were barely reading at 8th grade level, could not write a coherent sentence, and could not make change for a dollar bill."Besides," the secretary said, "with our diploma mills you don't need education, with the proper life experience and $199 you too could get a Harvard Diploma and get a good job in the Government."
The proposed scratch off lottery game, called "U-Collect" would deed defaulted properties to winners, according to the amount of matching numbers picked at random by Barney Frank from a fish bowl of numbered ping pong balls located in the House of Representatives where nothing much else happens anyway.
To further alleviate the mortgage mess, each state would be responsible for making their defaulted mortgages available in a state wide pool to insure that winners in their state would not have to move out of state to take possession of their winnings.
Paulson said that the odds of winning were good. "We intend to make sure that everyone who plays the game will be a winner. God knows there are enough vacant houses to go around." He acknowledged that in Florida, California and Nevada speculators had created a housing glut that would be hard to clean up. "I am meeting with the Secretary of State on that matter," he said, "we are considering opening up the lottery for houses in those states to a lottery in Mexico as a way to offset our balance of trade deficit due to the inordinate amount of drug money flowing south." He said the tentative name for the Mexican lottery would be "Viva Mazilo" in honor of the former Countrywide CEO who had helped to make this opportunity possible.
To insure that everyone could play the game, he has mandated that players will be allowed to put the $1000 tickets on their Master Card or Visa accounts and be charged a variable interest rate starting at 1% and graduating up to a max of 51% after 6 months. "This way, he said, " everyone will be able to afford many tickets. I want to thank Sen. Dodd, and Rep. Frank, along with the assistance of Franklin Raines for coming up with this plan making home ownership possible to anyone in this country."
Future Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Kwame Kilpatrick, former Detroit mayor and mentor of Barack Obama said it wasn't important if the lottery winners ever took possession of the houses they won. "Man, they can do anything they want ; live in 'em, rent 'em, burn 'em for the insurance,or even have a home drug sto' biznes...main thing is the govmt' gots their money and we done got out de shits!"
Paulson went on to say, with the lottery in place he no longer needed all of the proposed $700B bailout, but that, "if the government was stupid enough to give it to me, I'm sure my colleagues in Congress will help me spend it!"