Written by Warren Redlich
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Topics: Ron Paul, crisis

Sunday, 28 September 2008

image for Crisis Fixed: Ron Paul Saves Day
Ron Paul becomes King Paul

Congressman Ron Paul singlehandedly resolved the global economic crisis Sunday morning. The former presidential candidate used a little-known clause in the Constitution to take over the government.

"I had enough," said Dr. Paul. "Those idiots have been wrecking our economy. It was a last resort, but I went Article XIII on them."

Article 13 of the US Constitution was inserted at the last minute during the Constitutional Convention. Ben Franklin, seeing the dangers posed by populism, added the clause after getting all the other delegates drunk and filling the room with whores.

Article 13 states:

Any member of the Congress may become king for a day upon a shewing that the President and Congress have become incompetent. Said member shall return to the Congress and abdicate the throne after that period, on penalty of deathe.

Paul invoked the clause after a poll showed that 98 percent of Americans thought the President and Congress were dumber than a bag of socks. The other 2 percent felt that the poll was demeaning to hosiery.

King Paul promptly dissolved the Federal Reserve, reinstated the gold standard, withdrew all troops from overseas, and ended the war on drugs. He also dissolved several federal agencies including the Departments of Commerce, Energy, Agriculture, Education, HUD, and pretty much everything else.

In a surprise move, King Paul also declared open borders and removed all hurdles to foreign trade and immigration. During his campaign Ron Paul had made some anti-immigrant comments, but in announcing the move he said that he was only trying to placate the racists in his movement for a few extra votes.

The policy changes resolved the crisis overnight. The US has become a utopia and we can all rest easy now. Except that the President and Congress are back in charge again. Fortunately, in his last act King Paul bought them all a crapload of drinks and hookers, so it'll take them a little time to screw things up again. "Just following old Ben's lead," he laughed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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