New York, New York - Stocks rose moderately before falling farther on the news that a toy-manufacturing company is following in the footsteps of billionaire Warren Buffett in restoring faith in turbulent financial markets. Only not by investing a comparatively meager $5 billion dollars but by doing something more substantial: canceling its Christmas line production of its "Wall Street Investment Banker Doll." Replacing it instead with the "Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure."
According to the doll's manufacturers, the decision to cancel the of "Wall Street Investment Banker Doll" and then replace it with "Che" is intended to send a message to the White House that it supports its plan to abandon two principals on which capitalism was founded on: Laissez Faire and Moral Hazard doctrines.
"Long gone is the age of an unregulated free market economy," said a spokesman. "And so too is the is the "Wall Street Investment Banker Doll" whose accessories of a brief case filled with cash, one hundred dollar cigars and Black Berries have come to represent as a role model to our children."
In striking contrast, the "Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure" comes with the traditional people's revolutionary Bret (with red star), over romanticized standard issue green combat fatigues, socialist manifesto (in Spanish) and most importantly $700 billion dollars of taxpayers' bailout money in a camouflaged satchel.
The doll's manufacturers do not expect "Che" to sell very well among American children during the Charismas season because of ideological differences.
"We're not talking any economical ideological differences," said a spokesman. "As the $700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street has put that horse to bed. No. We're talking religious issues. Mainly, because the children in our test groups displayed guilt over playing with a know atheist come Christmas morning."
Despite religious differences, the manufacturers of the doll still expects sales of "Che" to outperform those expected with the "Wall Street Investment Doll" come the Charismas season.
"We had to drop it because it thanked with all our test groups just like the stock market," said a spokesman. "Not with the children so much, but with the parents."
The pixilated digital footage from the toy testing facility repeatedly shows parents busting through the laboratory doors, startling and frightening their children, as they grab the "Wall Street Investment Banker Doll" from their children's hands.
"Often, the parents away the doll's clothes, dismember its limbs and bite its head off," said spokesmen. "All in front of their children, traumatizing them. All the while, yelling out: 'Why did you sell me a mortgage you knew I couldn't afford? Now you want me to give you $700 billion dollars? You bastard!"