In breaking news today, House Democrats caved in on everything they've ever believed in.
House majority leader Steny Hoyer was quoted as saying, "It's important to cave in on everything we believe in firmly, and resolutely so as to move the country on a progressive journey forward."
Democratic Party presidential nominee Barack Obama, hoped that the changes brought by his colleagues in caving in on everything they believed would bring a "bipartisan spirit" to Washington's corridors of power.
Obama further stated, "Republicans stand rigidly behind what they believe in, firmly working hand in glove with the oil companies, the extremely wealthy, corrupt lobbyists, the Christian right, defense contractors, and the nuclear power industry; Democrats in contradistinction don't let environmentalists, feminists, people of color, labor unions, the ACLU, and disingenuous film makers such as Michael Moore keep them from getting things done in Washington."
He added, "That by caving in on everything that they believed the Democrats were working to change the political culture in Washington, something he'd continue working diligently on, if elected to the presidency in November."
Running mate Joe Biden concluded their remarks by stating, "It's just this kind of talk that's going to get us elected in November. Without any allegiance to a worldview or a system of values, we'll do what's right for the lobbyists and the American corporatocracy when we take office in 09."
Biden's final comment was, "The values voter is the voter of yesterday, America today wants values-free progressive leaders that are going to think in terms of the twenty first century."