Written by winston_smith
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Topics: Economy, Banks, bailout

Thursday, 25 September 2008

image for CEO tarred and feathered
Chester Weasley: Stupid Cock

Chester Weasley, former Chief Executive Operator of Schiester, Skimim, and Snark, a government bailed out banking and loan institute, was pulled from an unemployment line and tarred and feathered. Mr. Weasley was attempting to collect on his unemployment benefit when it was learned he had received, what is commonly called, a "golden parachute".

A 'golden parachute' is a term commonly referred to in a termination or retirement benefit provided for top executives, generally a reward for the responsibilities they have carried. The golden parachute - cash payments, shares or options on shares - may be used to soften the landing if an executive and his company part company for any reason; Mr. Weasley's, now defunct company, paid 22 million dollars to 'soften his landing' while under his watch he drove the company into bankruptcy. That was last April.

Tullulah Goodhead, the processor to Mr. Weasley's attempted claim, said it all started by Weasley himself.

"I asked him, if he received any compensation, you know, like vacation pay? or like sick days? Dat's my job. So he says,"Duz 22 million count?" I says, What? Like in a loud voice, I guess, den I asked him..."You received 22 million dollars? DOLLARS?, I asked him, just so I coulds be sure."
"So...maybe da guy behind him heard me, and hez started telling peoples behind him, and so on and so on...well da first thing ya knows someone grabs him and out the door dey goes. Dey were ugllleee, UGLY!"

Dwayne Hickman, owner of the truck that the mob dragged Weasley behind said,"I hads dis pine pitch, dat was for Daddy's, my father's, shed roof. Jez got it, whiles I was down town here. Den, by coincidence, I guess, I was parked nex ta Ol' Farley's chickin renderins. Farleys jest a sitting dere, reading job adds and bang the crowd hoists dat guy right up on the side. Cain't say whooz idea it was, but suddenly this Weasle guy is buck nakid and dey painin him wit my Daddy's pitch and someone shakin feathers on this guy's body.Sure was a sight fer a Tuesdee morn, round dese parts."

Weasley stumbled back into the Unemployment Office seeking help.
"He looked like a whole different kind of animal, like half chicken and half man", said Ms. Goodhead."My supavisor, Doreen? She said to call the po lease, so I did."

Weasley was taken to County Medical where he was treated and released.

"Tough pluckin", said EMT Jethro Bodeen, "I mean, they got him all over, with the tar and the feathers.. and I mean all over, dang, wouldn't surprise me if he starts a layin, " Bodeen laughed.

Mr. Weasley had no comment as to the details or his condition and referred all calls of inquiry to his lawyers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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