LINCOLN, NEBRASKA - The United States Mint has just announced that the Lincoln Penny will have a new look next year. Officials said that it is the first change in 50 years.
A Mint employee who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the new penny's 'head' side will feature a stressed-out looking President Abraham Lincoln arguing with a racist bigot about slavery. The 'tail' side will show a picture of a 2009 Lincoln Navigator.
The unnamed employee said that all of the old pennies will be collected and donated to China where they will go towards the purchase of Chinese rice, Chinese checkers, and Chinese fire drills.
In a related story, according to The Amalgated Penny Association of English-Only Speaking Countries, actress Penny Marshall has the largest penny collection in the world. She revealed that she has 1,790,932,106 pennies, which she keeps stored underneath her bed in 9,812 shoe boxes.
She was asked how much her collection is worth and she replied that she thinks it's probably worth somewhere around $17,909,321.06.